Break-ups are always tough, whether you are the one initiating it or you are at the receiving end; it is still tough to navigate the process and get back to feeling like yourself again. However, there are some breakups that are so bad and painful that they change you for life. But not all change is good change.
There are people who go through a devastating heartbreak and the experience makes them stronger while there are also people who are never able to put back the pieces of their lives back together.
There are so many suggestions and opinions on the many ways to heal a broken heart and fast; most of them include traveling, depending on friends and family or even diving into work to help with distraction from the pain. But what if the things listed above is not an option for you? You need money to travel, you must have dependable family and friends to help you get through and if you don’t have a job to distract you… what next? Or what if you did everything listed above and you still cannot escape the crushing pain cursed by losing the one you love so dearly?
The following steps on how to get over a broken heart when you have no money, no job and no one are all tried and tested by yours truly. You must note that no step is more important than the other as they are all connected and the way you apply a step will affect the result of the next step; so take notes and read this post as many times as you like.
1. Let Yourself Cry
Many people think that crying is a sign of weakness and this is false. Crying is an avenue to release emotions that cannot or are too difficult to express with words; it is a way to give yourself a little break from the pain within. That is why we tend to fall asleep after a good cry and most often than not that sleep after the cry is a good sleep. You don’t need to cry and wail in front of people… you shouldn’t, not even in front of the person who is breaking your heart.
It is best to cry in private but if you can’t help yourself then let it all out. The feeling that a devastating heartbreak causes you is a traumatic one; so it is better to cry than feel numb. Feeling numb doesn’t mean that the emotions are not there, it just means that you have found a way to suppress them so hard that you don’t feel it. Those feelings will always come back to hurt you… no matter how long it takes for them to rear their heads. So cry… cry anyway and anyhow you want to. Allow yourself to lay in bed all day long if you want and cry. You are allowed to do this for only the first three to five days of the breakup; as time goes on, the crying may not stop but it is not advisable to stay in bed all day long.
2. No Contact
One of the best breakup rules ever created is the no contact rule. As simple as it sounds, it is going to be one of the most difficult things you may ever do in your life especially when the person breaking your heart is asking to be friends. If you wanted to be their friend, you wouldn’t have been in a romantic relationship with them in the first place.
It is easy to think of how they would feel if you decline their offer for friendship but think about this. Did they think about the devastating heartbreak the breakup or betrayal would cause you? No. No matter what is going on in the world or in your life, do not contact your ex; throw away your phone if you have to. No contact also includes social media and messaging apps; you must delete them from all your social media and block them on every messaging apps including emails.
This step is very crucial to your healing, if you keep contacting your ex and talking or stalking them in some way; you won’t move forward and another toxic cycle between you and your ex may begin. This will be bad for your mental health.
3. Start Journaling
Your emotions are still raw at this time and writing down what you are feeling will help you make sense of where your emotional and mental state is at. Get a book, and if you can’t afford one; just find pieces of paper that you can write on and write… write all of your emotions down. A piece of paper will not judge you, so don’t be afraid to write down every thought and emotion down. No matter how terrible you think it is… write it all down.
Journaling is a way of releasing thoughts and emotions from your body and mind; it is especially great for people who have no one to talk to or people who are scared to talk to others. You can do this anytime you feel like it, especially times when you feel too much thoughts and emotions and it feels as if you are about go crazy… write it all down, leave it and go about your day.
4. Get Out of Bed and Start Taking Walks
It is widely known that a walk can clear your mind or provide some form of relief. This is very important since you have no job (which means nowhere to go during the day); so taking walks will help you put something on your schedule. As you take your long walks, you are allowed to run through the painful events in your mind but do not think about closure. Thinking about closure at this time is like walking on a broken leg without any initial treatment.
If you want your walks to graduate into a full workout session then by all means do that; you can even make it a run… so run every day like you have never run before. Run on the streets, on the stairs or on one spot… just make sure you don’t stay in your house all day every day. Get out and take a long walk.
5. Start Practising Ho’opponopono:
Ho’opponopono is a prayer technique for forgiveness and healing made popular by Dr. Hew Len Haleakala. It is a practice that does not require much teaching, but it is powerful for forgiveness and will help you transmute all emotions of anger, resentment and grief. To practise ho’oponopono, you need not to believe in deities or have a religion; and you don’t need to be alone in a quiet place. All you have to do is say repeatedly (mentally or out loud) “I’m sorry” “Forgive me” “I love you” “Thank you”
Repeat these phrases as often as you can all through your day and within a month, you will start to either feel changes within you or you will see changes in your life situation. It is best to practise this prayer for at least three months straight.
6. Let New People Into Your Life
It is not advisable to go seeking out people to be close to or forcing yourself into people’s lives but if you meet people who are genuinely interested in you; please let them in. It is okay to let them know that you are in a heartbroken place but resist all urges to talk about your ex obsessively. You will drive them away.
You may be pleasantly surprised to find out that they want to be there for you but don’t expect too much of them because you are just meeting them. It is okay to go on dates but if you don’t feel it then stop. There is no one rule… just listen to yourself… your emotions and how you respond to people’s energy. Don’t cling to people… as painful as being alone feels; you still need some time to be by yourself and feel those emotions. That is the only way you can transmute them. Negative emotions can only leave your soul through your body and that can’t happen if you don’t let yourself feel them.
7. Try Something New
Think of something that you have never done in your life and do it. It doesn’t matter how little it is, just try something new; it could be using a different brand of detergent or taking the stairs instead of the elevator. You could even go hiking, volunteer with an NGO, wear a piece of clothing that you have never worn before, knitting, poetry, pottery, baking… Anything.
Doing things that you have never done before is a way of purposely shifting your reality and sending a message to the universe that you are ready for change. Soon enough, you will move from small changes to bigger changes.
8. Stay Away From Sleeping Pills
It’s okay if you can’t sleep. Your body is also feeling the pain in your heart and it is doing its best to help you heal. If you find it difficult to sleep, watch something funny and if you can’t watch anything… go outside and feel the night… stare at the stars or the blank sky and if it’s raining watch the rain and imagine that it is cleaning your soul.
If you haven’t slept for days, drink green tea or warm milk; they have a way of relaxing the body and fostering a better sleep pattern. In the case of chronic insomnia, please see your doctor before taking any prescription pill.
9. Listen to Music and Read
Ever heard that music is good for the soul? Seek good music and listen to it; you may find a song that resonates with you, don’t stop yourself from listening to it 2 million times if you have to.
Reading can help you enter a different dimension for a period of time therefore giving you some relief. Go and buy used books or go to your local library to read. And if you hate reading, check out this post on how to develop the habit of reading.
10. Be patient with yourself
It is important for you to know that some days will be more difficult than others; and those difficult days will make you feel as if you aren’t making any progress, don’t succumb to the bad days and give up. Be patient with yourself; thank yourself for how far you have come no matter how little the progress is.
This is a process, your heart will take as much time as it needs to heal and it is not up to you to dictate the amount of time your heart needs to heal. Your job is to keep taking the steps necessary for your heart to heal; if you give up… then you have given up on yourself, so keep going no matter what.
11. Get closure
I am happy to tell you that closure does not exist, it is a myth. If you contact your ex in the name of closure, you will regress and probably go back to square one. The only person who can close a chapter in your life is you. Close your eyes and think of how awesome you are but your ex saw your awesomeness and said “no thanks”.
Think about that and shut the door to that part of your life. Put concrete on it and move on. You are capable of loving another person way more than you loved your ex and another person even more than the person after your ex. You are an infinite being. There is always someone better than your ex. Read this post on closure.
12. Work on Yourself
Look at the situation with your ex objectively and learn from your mistakes; at the end of the day, it takes two to tango. Never stop working on yourself. You attract the people that match your energy. So if you keep attracting abusers, there is something in you that abusers smell; that is why some people leave a relationship just to go and date the exact same person in another body. The best thing you can do for yourself in this life time is to work on yourself no matter what; whether you are in a relationship or not. And to help you get started, you can get The Self Care Program… never stop working on yourself.
13. Burn the Journal
Remember the journal you started at the beginning of this process? The one filled with all the negative emotions and thoughts you had? Burn it. After writing in it for a month or two let all those emotions go by burning the journal and be free of them. You can start another journal that isn’t filled with broken hearted thoughts; something more positive like your progress.. and anytime you want to release negative emotions just write them down and burn the paper without reading over what you have written.
When going through a breakup, it is easy to take on the victim mentality especially when you are on the receiving end or you are the betrayed partner. A victim mentality never helped anyone win in life; your life is your responsibility, so take the breakup as an opportunity for you to take charge of your life and make great changes. Your life is your life, only you can make it better.