I’ll admit it. For the past few weeks, I haven’t felt good. I feel drained (emotionally and physically), sad from grief, stuck, frustrated, and lost. Its a crummy way to feel. My family and friends have attempted to help lift me out of it, and I’m grateful for that. But I admit, I’m struggling to come above the fog. I’m not sure if one exact thing triggered it. Instead, I think the pile of shit I’ve experienced this year is weighing heavy on my heart. Its like a delayed reaction, appearing in slow motion, in the middle of my favorite season: summer.
Its hot here, like miserably hot. Too hot to do anything, and easy to silo and isolate yourself to the indoors. Yes, I’m guilty of that, and thank you to my friends who have called me on it.
I’m turning to my traditional practices of yoga and meditation to find clarity, but they aren’t working like they normally do. I think when we experience times of frustration or fogginess its simply to remind us of how we feel when we feel good, and work on the steps to remedy.
I also recognize that I’ve been doing a lot. I’ve been on the go in some form or another, whether its traveling, or committing myself to showing up. I’m exhausted and feel burnt out. Its taking energy to talk to people, and I feel super tired.
I’m not sure those understand grief and its waves. I don’t know how to explain it. The worries and anxieties that arise at any time, the fear of facing your own mortality and accepting that death is apart of life, the brave face you put on and mutter “I’m ok” when you’re not, because you’re tired of talking about how heartbroken you are. The days that can trigger a memory, or bring in a wave of sadness. There’s an expectation that you should be farther in your healing process than you realistically are. Every day feels like a balance between running a mile, and walking at a snails pace.
I’ve had some friends support and remind me that how I currently see myself, my faults and failures, fears and inner voices, worries and concerns, and how I feel, is in fact, not at all how others see me.
I’m grateful for the friends that have said “you’re brave and strong”, “you’re leaning into your truth”, “your compassion and kindness is really showing through”; and my favorite:
“Then you don’t ‘see’ yourself. I have never left from a meeting with you without feeling enveloped by light and compassion”
This experience in being lost in my own bullshit has been humbling, yet difficult. Its in the midst of darkness that we often find our light. I’m re-learning to trust. I recognize that these feelings of “blah” and sadness often are a result of me resisting what the universe has placed in my path as an obstacle.
I’m learning to take my own advice, recognizing when I am reacting from a place of fear vs. responding from a place of kindness and compassion. I’m learning to be patient with myself.
I’m grateful for my Mom who is a go-getter. She’s the type of person who when you move, unpacks the house in an entire day to get it done. She and my Dad want to help me to feel better, and will do and drop anything to “fix” at an instance. Perhaps its a perk of being an only child. I do recognize that the quick fix isn’t really the answer. Sometimes you have to sit in the shit and wait it out. Accept it, lean into it, and feel through it. Mostly so you can heal and begin to see yourself through the clouds.
To those who have reminded me of myself, thank you. I’m starting to see that again, perhaps in a new light. Please be patient with me.
Originally published at medium.com