Before the whole world was in crisis, I really believed it was just me.  No matter what I tried to learn about who I was, I was too self-involved to really understand that others could be dealing with similar issues and struggling as I was.  Knowing that so many people are now facing the same circumstances and observing how they are responding has allowed me to appreciate how hard I have been trying and to recognize that I am far more capable than I had believed. I have been able to get clearer on how I want to proceed going forward and to feel a lot better about myself in the process.

* * *

I’ve heard Marissa Peer (English Therapist, Speaker, Author) say many times that most of the problems her clients bring to her boil down to the same feeling – they’re not enough.

I must say that although I have tried to convince myself that I was enough – I even had it staring back at me as my PC wallpaper for a while – I was not willing to allow myself to start believing until recently. 

The last couple of years I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I was given an opportunity to make a career change and I decided to head in a whole new direction.  I’d been working from home for over 20 years but always for someone else.  I wanted to continue working from home and I wanted to be my own boss. 

During this same time period I also started getting into personal development.  I knew if I wanted to be successful there were some areas of me that I needed to work on.

I invested in both business and personal mentorship and coaching.  I learned a lot about affiliate and digital marketing and how to make changes in my thinking and personal habits. 

What I found as I got further and further into my new business pursuits was that the more I learned, the more I realized I didn’t know.  Enter self doubt.  Then it became my quest to learn as much as I could.  I always felt like everyone else knew something I didn’t.  I’d dip a toe here and again but at the first sign that whatever I had tried wasn’t working, I’d retreat and figure there was more I needed to know. 

I was basically stuck in never really getting started … I wasn’t (ready, smart, engaging, good) enough.

Earlier this year, everything I thought I was working toward kind of fell apart and it hit me pretty hard that I had been too reliant on something I had no control over.  I was feeling kind of lost and that’s about when the whole world started shutting down.  Then it seemed like everybody had lost some control in their lives.  And we all needed to figure out what we were going to do about it.

I haven’t been horribly displaced by the stay at home restrictions.  My work was not affected and I tend to keep to myself a lot anyway.  The lack of adequate supplies of toilet paper was the biggest inconvenience I faced.  I have adjusted well to the slower pace and, in fact, it has allowed me to really think through some things for myself.  I feel fortunate.

What has been a very pleasant surprise is that I’m really starting to appreciate myself for what I can do.  I’m seeing more of the potential and less of the limitation.  It has actually been a real boost to my confidence and helped me to find some courage that I didn’t know I had. 

I have been able to sort out all of the options I’ve been considering and decide what makes the most sense going forward.  I’ve found the clarity I was searching for and am developing a better ability to focus.  I’m starting to accept that I just don’t do things the way others would have me do them.  I am the only one who can figure out what is going to work for me.  And that’s okay. 

I have knowledge.  I have skills.  I have experience.  I have a strong work ethic and a lot of determination.  I’m ready to see what I can do.  I believe I have something to contribute that is worthwhile and can be helpful.  

It strikes me a bit odd that I am feeling this way because there is every reason right now to feel anything but good and optimistic.

However, I think it has to do with having your back so against the wall that you are forced to make a decision.  Do you crumple into a heap and curl up like a cocktail shrimp?  Or do you come out swinging?

I’m very pleased to have learned about myself that I will come out swinging.