You tell yourself that you want to be in a relationship, maybe even married, but you continue to attract people who don’t want the same thing. Perhaps, they are emotionally unavailable. Or, they like you for what you offer, but don’t want anything long-term. In your mind, you think that you are clear on what you want, but just keep meeting the wrong people.

But, maybe, it is because the signal you are sending out to the world is the opposite of what you say and think you want. If you look deep inside, maybe you fear a serious relationship for various reasons. Maybe you were a child of divorce and never saw a healthy relationship. Or, maybe you were in a serious relationship that went bad and now you find it hard to trust someone.

On the outside, you look like you are working towards what you want, but inside, you may be committed to the opposite.

You say you want a serious relationship, but you are committed to staying single. This attracts to you, people who will never put you in danger of having to choose to be in a serious relationship.

If you keep seeing the situation play out the opposite of what you say you want, over and over again, you may have a tape playing in your subconscious that is working on your commitment to the opposite.

You have to ask yourself, what are you really committed to?

It’s not just relationships. It could be a job where you feel unappreciated and overworked. You may say you want something better, but never update your resume and look for something better. You are committed to feeling unappreciated. Perhaps, you don’t think you have enough money, but you continue to shop and buy things that you don’t need. You may be more committed to feeling like you don’t have enough money to make ends meet.

Despite what you think you want, you may be more committed to feeling the negative experience over the positive, freeing experience.

I had to come to this realization during my own emotional journey. I told myself that I was committed to the better feeling experience. But, I continued to see the exact opposite of what I told myself I wanted. I wanted a committed relationship. I wanted a job that paid me enough to live, but also made me feel good. I wanted to write and share my thoughts. I experienced sifting through emotionally unavailable suitors. I was employed, but not financially satisfied nor felt valued for my contribution. And, I wasn’t writing. I came up with excuses from exhaustion to lack of time to ignore the one thing that makes me happy which is sharing my thoughts. But, I did have time to binge on all the seasons of Friends for the third time. I had crafted this reality that was carrying me farther and farther from what I said I wanted.

And, I would cry in despair as to why I seemed to only get what I don’t want.

And, then it was brought to my attention, that I was wholeheartedly committed to what I didn’t want. Ironically, I thought it was my lack of commitment that was causing the problem. I was emotionally detached from the outcomes I was creating. I was going to work every day, but I told myself that my heart wasn’t in it and as soon as something better came along, I would leave. I rejected the suitors or mildly entertained them. And, writing, I had completely abandoned and ignored its calls. I thought I was cool and aloof while waiting for my life to suddenly change like one waits for the next train to arrive.

Truthfully, I was heavily committed to feeling unwanted, deprived, insecure and needy. I needed to feel rejected to honor my commitment. I needed to see partners who would never fully support me emotionally to continue to be committed to being single. I could tell myself, “See, there is no one out there for me or who wants what I want.”

I needed to believe I couldn’t find a job that would pay me well and treat me good. That had to be mutually exclusive. And, as I experienced it, it gave me an excuse not to try to find something different. I had all my reasons and proof that life is unfair to me and it wasn’t going to change. And, I nurture them with more choices that created more proof and the cycle continued on and on. When I finally faced that I was the one who was in a relationship with misery, is when I was able to break up with it and commit to what I do want.

On the outside, you look like you are working towards what you want, but inside, you may be committed to the opposite.

The amazing thing is that the minute you accept this and decide to commit to what you want, then you start to look at everything differently. Your outlook changes immediately and you see a world of possibilities where you thought there were brick walls and dead ends.

You can hold on to your current commitments through the end of this year, but really pay attention to whether you are getting what you want or don’t want. If it’s not what you want, then consider letting those commitments go as we usher in a new year.