I’ve been wracking my brain for a reason! I’ve been trying to reason with myself about what the hell is going on? I thought, maybe it’s depression!! I’ve been in so much pain inside… Maybe it’s Skitzing… then I came upon these thoughts, they make sense to me…
I used to have no space! I craved for freedom, hence collecting dolphins… my bid for freedom! I haven’t been myself for days! I still function on a basis of ‘have to’ and rather than ‘want to’ or ‘need to’, I still seek out solutions. But to what?? I’ve come up with one explanation, it defies logic… here goes! Read on only if you want the truth…
Domestic Violence takes away your soul! It takes away all you are and replaces it with nothing! Those nothings become voids… you lose so much over the period of being in those relationships that you could go as far to say, you lose yourself! Then you manage to change things for you! You find the door is open wide and you run! You run and you keep running! The first scary bit is the running! You’re running from! You don’t know what! And to where?? You don’t know that either… then you stay away long enough to be free… now that was over 15 yrs ago… lots have happened in the meantime… men have come and gone and then you happen upon this!! The relationship that doesn’t make sense! ‘Why doesn’t he care???’ ‘Why doesn’t he tell me what to do?’ ‘Why doesn’t he ask me what I’ve been doing? Where I’ve been? Who I’ve seen? And god forbid… ‘who I’ve been with’… the reasons are becoming clearer … it’s because he loves me! Really loves me! He trusts me, therefore there’s no need to continuously harp at me, asking me those above mentioned questions… it’s not because he doesn’t care, it’s because he does… when you find a love, one like you’ve never known before, one which feels like it’s going no where because it doesn’t have daily hitting, sorry’s, crying because he hit you & sorry’s & promises it’ll never happen again… every day doesn’t result in flowers & chocolates being given to you or jewellery because of what he’s done, guilty of, or what he’s about to do… it doesn’t rely on knowing where you are every minute of the day because he doesn’t trust you … it’s because he knows you’re ok! He knows he can trust you and he knows that when you come together it’s because of love not because he wants to control you… there I’ve said it! I thought my relationship was turning sour, I thought I wasn’t being loved. I thought that because he didn’t speak to me every night, because he didn’t acknowledge me in all I do… he doesn’t love me! I was so wrong!! He does, but this is a different love… it’s an unconditional love and that’s the best there is… having so much freedom to do what I want, when I want, is scary… to be able to go wherever I want and not have to explain my whereabouts is scary… I’ve taken the path of discovery… I’m learning what it is to be loved, truly loved, trusted, being loyal to someone I truly want to be with in every sense of the word… and having that freedom I once sought, for so many years… I wasn’t sure what I could or couldn’t say to him because I was afraid he’d tell me to go or leave me! I was so scared that everything he was or wasn’t doing was a reflection on me… it isn’t… it’s because if I did to him what was done to me… I’d lose him… the same way my ex partners lost me… harsh reality bites hard when It’s you/me who’s now living ‘the good life’ … it brings feelings of worthlessness and doubt to my mind because it’s not the norm… it’s nothing like it used to be… it’s true freedom… in the blink of an eye everything could change… overnight I may or may not be here… he may or may not be here… I don’t want to be someone who left DV and allowed it to suffocate the rest of my life… I look in the mirror and I see me… the beautiful person I truly am… I don’t need to hear that I’m beautiful because I already know… beauty is something that comes from the left over shell after it has been thrashed by the waves of time and over many, many years of being worn down by the elements… beauty is what remains after the trauma has taken place… when I look in the mirror now I don’t see the woman I used to be… I don’t see many years of pain & suffering… I don’t see the smashed up teeth! He’ll! Sometimes I see no teeth at all… even when naked, I still don’t see the aftermath of all the torture and all the pain inflicted upon me… I don’t see anger, frustration, addictions or childbirth scars… the aftermath of my breast cancer… I see the spirit inside me, the butterfly I’ve become… the person who has emerged from the ashes of my past… I see me smiling back at me and I know I’m in a good place… actually a great place… the best place I’ve ever been in my whole entire life and because my partner works away, it’s not in his arms… I know I’m loved, truly loved, trusted. I know I want to make him happy, truly happy, feel loved, truly loved, I know these things because I want the same… unconditional love that’s given to me because it’s what feels right! I don’t want to run anymore! I don’t want to know what’s in store, I don’t even want to question the love I’m being given or the life I’m living… I just want to enjoy it and know I deserve it! This kind of love is, for me, the best kind of love… thank you for reading this to the end… Dave you are one of a kind and I’m so proud to call you my hubby … now! I’m off to darts with the girls shortly and tomorrow I’m off to FSH for my cancer check up… it’s been a huge few weeks… I’ve come so far! There’s no turning back now! I love my life and best of all, I love being me! & BTW I received a call from my book publisher today! Been a while… I think, no! I know, it’s the right time to start compiling my book… it’s certainly been a long time in the making … enjoy your night all ?
Fb post… Blog off!