Granted, the world of What We Do In The Shadows is not the safest for our dogs, but given the year we’re having, who knows what emergencies may arise for we mortals during the 2020 festive season? What’s more, fans love the Shadows vampires’ more human, vulnerable sides, which also make them some of the least cruel of on-screen vamps.
So, if we were in a dire “what-the-Sam-Hill?” pinch, and the Shadows vampires were the only folks available, here are five we would choose to look after Fluffy and Fido, and five we’d avoid like the plague:
10. Would—Jenna: Jenna may be a vampire, but as we see in the episode “Citizenship,” she’s a sensitive newbie. Sure, this whole pet-sitting conundrum would have to be quite the emergency, but these traits are positives when it comes to pet-sitting Fluffy and Fido. At the start of her “unholy transition,” Jenna, who used to be a flexitarian, asks her guide Nadja if there’s any way she can drink people’s blood and not kill them. We’re thinking that’s a positive check in the Fluffy and Fido box—at least, while Jenna’s still a newb.
Even at the party (or “room full of pure asshole”) that Nadja and Jenna crash, Jenna doesn’t want to murder anyone—especially one guy she knows from college, since his death would be a “huge blow” for his family and something she couldn’t “take on emotionally.” Morals? Check. Responsibility? Check. Sensitivity? Check.
Once she’s found her confidence through her newfound power of invisibility, Jenna also actually apologizes to her first victim, as she fumbles to get his spurting blood into her flask.
Not ideal. But she’s the best of a risky bunch.
9. Would not—Baron Afanas: Heck no, not in a month of Sundays would we leave Fluffy and Fido with Baron Afanas. The guy drinks human “shots,” is set on vampires controlling the world, and even planned to kill the entire vampire gang during a night out in his honor. Yes, he’s fun after a drink or two and his karaoke is, at a push, beguiling. And sure, he’s affectionate towards the little “talisman” he steals. But let’s not forget how quickly he drinks Nadja and Lazlo’s familiar June, or how insensitive he is to poor Sean, who, after all, is a decent guy who puts out the vampires’ trash cans when they forget. Could we get less trustworthy?
If it’s a choice between the Baron and no one, Fluffy and Fido might just be walking themselves. Fortunately, the Baron—formerly the Barren—is now just cinders and thus off the menu.
8. Would—Colin Robinson: Well, look, I’m not saying that Fluffy and Fido are going to return to us with a spring in their step, but Colin Robinson does not drink blood or kill, so that’s a check in the “okay, if we’re forced to” box. Since he’s a day-walker, he could also walk our dogs in daylight, and collect them from someone else’s garden, should they attempt to wreck the azaleas.
That said, our perky pups will likely need to be dragged to their food bowls for at least a week, as they recover from this known energy vampire’s massive drain—and the same will go for us when we return from our emergency. We would thus bring smelling salts, some interesting YouTube clips, and a cunningly placed Uber driver who, for an extra-large tip, can drag us across the street and into their car after we’ve managed to recollect our pups.
7. Would not—Lazlo Cravensworth: Now, Lazlo’s tricky. He does do a surprisingly good job of being your ordinary human bartender when he’s incognito as Jackie Daytona in “On The Run.” He raises a handsome sum in support of the local women’s volleyball team and his coaching of the players is apparently formidable. He spares his server Lucy at the end of the episode, even though she’s already unconscious, and he seems committed to supporting the locals. In many ways, Jackie Daytona is an “all-round decent guy.”
But Fluffy and Fido are not on the women’s volleyball team. And even as Jackie Daytona, Lazlo does still kill, of course. It’s hard to think of any easy way to avoid being Lazlo’s dinner—and the same goes for our dogs.
Plus, if he and Nadja play any music, Fluffy and Fido won’t sleep for days.
6. Would—Nandor The Relentless: It’s true that Nandor sucks blood just like the other night-walker vampires, but he may be a bit of a softie for animals. In “Witches,” he’s both sweet and polite to Black Peter the goat, who ends up transporting him witch-wards, and in “Animal Control,” he turns into a dog in order to rescue Lazlo who has been captured and imprisoned as a bat. Also, centuries ago, he had 37 human wives who ended up leaving him because of his vampire transition. He doesn’t mention eating any of them—though he does admit to really loving only 35, so heaven only knows—which is definitely a thumbs-up for Fluffy and Fido.
He’s mean to Guillermo, but there’s also chemistry, and, let’s face it, he hasn’t eaten him as yet. Also, given Guillermo’s new vampire-killer status at the end of Season 2, Nandor may have to be accountable to Guillermo if he tries to harm our pups.
We like this idea. So do Fluffy and Fido.
5. Would not—Simon The Devious: There are so many reasons why Simon The Devious is a bad choice of pet-sitter. The clue’s in the name. Also, we worry that he’ll take a shine to one of our hats. And if Fluffy and Fido actually survived Devious’ bloodthirst and sarcasm, we fear he’d take them into the sewers, and what dog-owner wants to scrub away that stink?
4. Would—Tilda Swinton: Tilda Swinton does have something to lose if she ends up drinking, mislaying, or otherwise threatening our perfect pooches. One, she’s famous with a reputation to hold up. Two, she leads the vampire council and must therefore have some understanding of rules. Three, she wants to eat Guillermo as a “cheeky little snack,” but doesn’t. And we like it when vampires don’t eat our dogs—scrumptious as they may be.
3. Would not—Nadja/Nadja Doll: This is a tough one. Truth is, we really want Nadja to look after our dogs. She’s a kickass feminist who doesn’t let anyone be rude to invisible Jenna and does her best to be Jenna’s guide, even though Nadja is clearly not the maternal type. She’s also powerful, honest, and not to be messed with. And she stands her own in a house of male vampires, including when it transpires that Nandor The Relentless her “pigshit housemate” burned down the village where she lived as a human. Plus, while female characters often aren’t allowed to be hilarious, Nadja is. And our dogs love a laugh.
Frankly, who wouldn’t want Nadja in their dogs’ corner?
But we’re not sure she likes animals—darn it if she isn’t mean to Black Peter the goat in “Witches.” And we do not trust that Nadja Doll as far as we could throw her. Seriously, we have nightmares about her. If she gets onto the floor with our dogs, we will truly lose our salmon.
2. Would—Jim The Vampire: Jim The Vampire, Lazlo Cravensworth’s nemesis in “On The Run,” is majestic in his thirst for revenge—but even so, he’s totally in the right, because Lazlo does owe him over a thousand dollars for the room he once rented. (And who doesn’t pay their bill, just because someone didn’t flush the toilet, Lazlo?)
We also don’t see Jim The Vampire kill a single person, be they human or vampire, during the whole of “On The Run.” He is as enthusiastic about the women’s volleyball team as Lazlo, and even takes over as coach when Lazlo leaves. Plus, his affection for that good old singing fish suggests he’ll find Fluffy and Fido just as adorable.
Heck, I hope we’re right.
1. Would not—Evie Russell: Evie Russell, the emotional vampire from “Werewolf Feud,” has many of the same pluses as Colin Robinson, who she dates in this episode. Evie’s a day-walker, who’d maybe walk our dogs, and she doesn’t drink human blood.
All the same, she mentions a cat—though this may be a hoax—and Fluffy and Fido really loathe felines. Also, she would likely use Fluffy and Fido to emotionally drain those around her, and any vampire who can actually feed off of Colin is pretty darn talented. My worry? She’s probably not going to give us back our dogs. And who wants to live knowing their pets are weeping into their tiny, paw-print, lace-trimmed handkerchiefs? Not I, that’s for sure.
Finally, if we end up asking any of the above vampires to pet-sit our dogs, rest assured that it will be an emergency of enormous proportions.
But looking at the year we’ve had to date, we’d best be prepared.
Interested in learning more about What We Do In The Shadows? Check out this Screen Rant article by Mara Mullikin, Top 10 Fang-tastic Facts About What We Do In The Shadows.