Motherhood isn’t just about the physical tasks — it’s the invisible mental and emotional labor that often goes unnoticed but shapes a family’s entire rhythm. Recognizing and sharing this load is key to true partnership and well-being.
– Dr. Susan Landers
Motherhood is often celebrated as one of life’s most rewarding experiences, yet behind the joyful moments lies a complex web of invisible responsibilities that many moms carry daily. From managing schedules and anticipating needs to navigating emotional ups and downs, this hidden mental workload—known as emotional labor—can weigh heavily on mothers, affecting their wellbeing and family dynamics. Dr. Susan Landers, a neonatologist, mother of three, and author of So Many Babies, has become a passionate advocate for bringing this unseen labor to light. Through her book, newsletter, and podcast, she offers a compassionate voice to moms everywhere, helping them recognize the mental load they bear and empowering them to seek balance and fairness in their families.
In this candid and insightful interview, Dr. Landers shares her personal journey of discovering the overwhelming nature of emotional labor and the impact it has on mental health and relationships. She sheds light on common misconceptions, offers practical advice for sharing the load more equitably, and highlights the cultural shifts needed to support mothers better. Whether you’re a mom feeling overwhelmed or someone wanting to understand how to support the mothers in your life, her wisdom provides a much-needed roadmap to empathy, communication, and shared responsibility. Dive in to learn from a leading voice who is changing the conversation around motherhood, mental load, and emotional labor.
Thank you so much for joining us! Our readers would love to get to know you a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your backstory?
I’m truly honored to be here and excited to share my journey. I’m Dr. Susan Landers, a neonatologist by profession, which means I care for the tiniest, most vulnerable patients—newborns in the NICU. This work has taught me so much about resilience, hope, and the power of caregiving. But beyond my medical career, I’m a mother to three wonderful children, and it was through my own experience balancing the intense demands of motherhood with my professional life that I uncovered something many moms face but rarely talk about openly: emotional labor. I realized that much of what I was doing every day—planning, anticipating, worrying—was invisible to others, yet it consumed a huge part of my energy. That realization led me to write So Many Babies, a book that shines a light on the mental load that moms carry. I also run Moms Matter, a newsletter and podcast where I explore the challenges and joys of motherhood, focusing on emotional health and self-care. My passion is to help moms feel understood and empowered, knowing they are not alone in this often overwhelming experience.
You mentioned emotional labor—can you explain what that means and why it matters so much for moms?
Emotional labor is this fascinating yet exhausting concept that describes all the mental and emotional work behind running a household and family life—tasks that aren’t physical chores but involve constant mental juggling. For example, remembering your child’s dental appointment, scheduling playdates, ensuring everyone has clean uniforms for school, or anticipating what groceries are needed before the fridge runs empty—these are all pieces of emotional labor. It matters because this work is largely invisible, yet it requires sustained attention and energy. When one person—often the mom—is doing most of this labor, it leads to chronic stress and burnout. It also creates an unfair dynamic where the mental load isn’t shared, leading to frustration and sometimes conflict. By naming emotional labor and understanding its impact, we can start to distribute it more fairly, which improves mental health and strengthens family relationships.
How did you first become aware of the emotional labor you were doing?
My awakening to emotional labor came during a particularly overwhelming season juggling a demanding medical career and caring for three young children. I started making mental notes of every little thing I was responsible for—not just the tangible tasks like laundry or cooking, but the unseen things: coordinating schedules, remembering to reply to school emails, managing birthday parties, and thinking ahead to avoid crises. When I shared this mental list with my husband, he was surprised by the sheer volume of cognitive work I was carrying alone. That conversation was eye-opening for both of us. It made me realize that what I had accepted as “just being a mom” was actually an enormous mental workload that needed to be acknowledged and shared. This realization gave me language to talk about the invisible work and motivated me to educate others through my book and advocacy.
What are some common misconceptions about emotional labor that you’ve encountered?
One of the biggest misconceptions is that emotional labor is easy or “natural” for women—that it’s just something moms do automatically, so it doesn’t count as real work. People often confuse it with physical chores and assume that if a partner helps with housework, the labor is equally shared. But emotional labor is more about cognitive effort—remembering, planning, managing feelings—and that part often stays with moms even if the physical tasks are divided. Another misconception is that bringing up emotional labor means a mom is being critical or demanding, when really, she’s advocating for fairness and recognition. There’s also a societal myth glorifying the “supermom” who handles everything perfectly and invisibly, which pressures women to hide their struggles and avoid asking for help. These misunderstandings prevent open conversations and keep emotional labor hidden.
Can you describe how emotional labor impacts mental health for moms?
Emotional labor can deeply affect a mom’s mental and emotional wellbeing. When you’re constantly managing the needs and schedules of others without adequate support, it leads to chronic stress and exhaustion. This mental load leaves little room for rest or self-care, making it easy to slide into anxiety or depression. Many moms feel isolated because their work isn’t visible or appreciated, which adds to feelings of loneliness and burnout. This emotional exhaustion can also strain relationships, as resentment builds when one partner feels overwhelmed and the other is unaware of the burden. There’s growing research showing that unequal distribution of emotional labor is linked to higher rates of mental health struggles among women. Addressing emotional labor isn’t just about fairness—it’s a vital component of preserving moms’ mental health and family harmony.
How do you suggest partners begin to share the emotional labor more equitably?
The first step is to make the invisible visible. Tools like the Fair Play Deck can help partners see all the tasks involved in running a household, especially the mental ones. This opens up the conversation about who does what. From there, partners need to have honest, non-defensive discussions about workload and expectations. It’s important for partners to be patient and accept that learning new tasks or ways of organizing family life won’t be perfect at first, but the key is showing up and contributing consistently. Sharing emotional labor requires ongoing effort and flexibility; it’s not a one-time fix but a continual negotiation as family needs evolve. When both partners commit to fairness and respect, it builds a stronger, more supportive partnership that benefits everyone.
What advice do you have for moms who feel guilty asking for help?
Guilt is a huge barrier that many moms face, and it’s rooted in societal expectations that moms should be self-sacrificing and manage everything flawlessly. I want moms to know that asking for help is not a sign of weakness or failure—it’s a form of self-respect and a critical part of sustainable caregiving. When moms let go of the myth of perfection and recognize that they deserve support, it creates space for healing and balance. It’s also important to remember that by asking for help, moms are modeling healthy boundaries for their children and partners. I encourage moms to reframe guilt as a signal that they need support rather than a personal flaw. Being kind to yourself and practicing self-compassion are essential steps in this journey.
How can moms communicate their needs effectively to partners who may not recognize the emotional labor?
Clear, compassionate communication is key. I recommend moms use “I” statements to express how the mental load affects them, such as “I feel overwhelmed when I have to keep track of everything alone.” Providing concrete examples—like specific tasks or decisions you manage—helps partners understand the scope. It’s also helpful to invite partners to observe or participate in some of these tasks firsthand, so they see the work involved. Avoid blame or criticism, which can lead to defensiveness; instead, focus on teamwork and mutual support. Regular, calm check-ins help keep the conversation ongoing, because emotional labor is dynamic and changes as family life evolves. Patience and empathy from both sides create a space where needs can be heard and addressed.
Are there cultural or societal factors that make emotional labor more challenging to address?
Definitely. Gender norms and cultural expectations heavily influence how emotional labor is distributed and perceived. In many cultures, women are expected to be the primary caregivers and household managers, often sacrificing their own needs. The “supermom” ideal glorifies doing it all flawlessly and invisibly, which discourages moms from speaking up or asking for help. Media representations often reinforce these outdated roles, shaping societal attitudes. These cultural pressures create invisible barriers that keep emotional labor hidden and unchallenged. To change this, we need to question and shift these narratives—celebrating shared responsibility, vulnerability, and realistic portrayals of parenting that include fathers as equal partners.
What role does self-care play in managing emotional labor?
Self-care is absolutely critical. When you’re constantly expending mental and emotional energy on managing family life, you need intentional time to recharge. Self-care isn’t indulgence; it’s survival. It can be simple—taking a walk, meditating, reading, or connecting with friends—but it’s about prioritizing your own wellbeing. This replenishment allows moms to better manage stress and maintain emotional resilience. Importantly, self-care also models healthy behavior for children and partners, showing that everyone deserves care and balance. Without self-care, the weight of emotional labor becomes overwhelming and unsustainable. Integrating self-care routines, even in small ways, helps moms maintain joy and presence in their lives.
You’ve mentioned your book So Many Babies. What can readers expect from it?
So Many Babies is a candid, heartfelt exploration of what motherhood looks like behind the scenes—especially focusing on the hidden emotional labor that’s often overlooked. It blends my personal experiences as a mom and neonatologist with stories from other women to show the universal nature of this mental load. Readers can expect honesty, humor, and practical advice on recognizing and managing emotional labor. The book also provides tools to help moms communicate their needs and advocate for fairness at home. Ultimately, it’s about validating the hard work moms do every day and offering hope and strategies for creating healthier family dynamics. It’s like sitting down with a trusted friend who truly gets what it means to be overwhelmed yet hopeful.
How can therapists or counselors support moms struggling with emotional labor?
Therapists can provide a vital space for moms to voice feelings of exhaustion, resentment, and guilt without judgment. They can help identify patterns that contribute to burnout and work with moms to develop coping strategies and self-compassion. Importantly, therapy can equip moms with communication skills to renegotiate household roles with partners and establish healthy boundaries. For couples, counseling can facilitate understanding and teamwork around sharing emotional labor. Mental health professionals can also advocate for recognizing emotional labor as a legitimate stressor that impacts wellbeing. Their support helps moms regain balance, improve relationships, and sustain their mental health.
What impact does emotional labor have on relationships, and how can couples protect their partnership?
Emotional labor imbalance often creates tension and resentment in relationships. The partner carrying most of the mental load may feel exhausted and unappreciated, while the other partner may be unaware of the burden, leading to misunderstandings. Over time, this dynamic can cause emotional distance and conflict. Protecting your partnership starts with awareness—recognizing emotional labor and its effects. Couples benefit from ongoing conversations about workload, expressing appreciation for each other’s contributions, and showing flexibility as needs shift. Prioritizing teamwork and mutual respect strengthens the relationship and models healthy partnership for children. When both people feel valued and supported, the entire family thrives.
Are there ways to teach children about emotional labor and shared responsibility?
Absolutely. Children learn by observing, so when parents share household tasks and discuss the invisible work involved, kids internalize these values. Involving children in chores appropriate to their age teaches them that maintaining a home is a team effort, not one person’s job. Explaining emotional labor in simple terms helps children appreciate the mental work that goes into caregiving and household management. Teaching empathy, cooperation, and fairness early on nurtures a generation that values equality and partnership. This cultural shift starts at home and can influence broader societal norms over time.
What do you wish more people understood about motherhood and emotional labor?
I wish people recognized motherhood as an incredibly complex and demanding role that involves far more than the visible tasks. Emotional labor—the mental juggling, planning, worrying—is relentless and exhausting, yet it often goes unseen and unappreciated. If more people understood this, it would change how we support moms—from partners, workplaces, healthcare, and society at large. It would reduce stigma around asking for help and create more space for equitable sharing of responsibilities. Above all, I want moms to be seen as whole human beings with needs and limits, not just caretakers expected to manage everything flawlessly.
How can workplaces better support mothers who experience emotional labor at home?
Workplaces can play a big role by implementing flexible work policies, such as remote work options and flexible hours, which help moms manage the competing demands of work and home. Offering comprehensive parental leave and mental health resources tailored to working parents shows understanding of these challenges. Workplaces should foster cultures where discussing work-life balance is normalized and supported, reducing stigma around caregiving responsibilities. When employers recognize the impact of emotional labor on productivity and wellbeing, they can create more inclusive environments where moms feel valued and supported, which benefits both the individual and the organization.
What’s one small change moms can make today to reduce their emotional labor load?
A powerful first step is to externalize the mental load by writing down everything you’re juggling—appointments, errands, emotional tasks. Seeing it all laid out clarifies how much you’re managing and highlights areas to delegate or simplify. From there, choose one small task or responsibility to hand off to your partner or outsource, like grocery shopping or managing a calendar. These small changes build momentum and begin to lighten the invisible load. Remember, progress doesn’t have to be dramatic or perfect; small, consistent steps lead to meaningful change over time.
How do you stay motivated to continue advocating for moms and emotional labor awareness?
What keeps me motivated is hearing from moms who say they finally feel seen and understood after engaging with my work. Their stories of relief, empowerment, and improved relationships remind me that this conversation is making a real difference. I deeply believe that changing how we talk about motherhood and emotional labor can lead to systemic shifts benefiting families for generations. Being part of this movement to bring visibility, fairness, and compassion to moms is deeply fulfilling and drives me forward every day.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
You can find me through my newsletter Moms Matter, where I share personal stories, research, and practical advice about emotional labor and motherhood. I’m also active on Instagram and X, where I engage with a vibrant community of moms sharing their journeys. My book So Many Babies is available in bookstores and online, offering a deeper dive into these topics. I warmly invite readers to join the conversation, reach out, and connect—because no mom should ever feel alone in this. Together, we can build a more supportive and understanding world for mothers
