For over a decade I have been working as a Doctor of Metaphysical Counseling. I have worked with clients around the world both one-on-one and in pairs as well as in workshops and seminars and retreats all over the globe. No matter the culture, the religion, the age, the race or even the sexual orientation I still find myself working with clients who struggle with the same challenge. So many of my clients feel that they must give to the point of their own detriment and receiving too much makes them feel guilty. Many of my clients now identify themselves as people pleasers and they had difficulty saying no and constantly worry about setting or disappointing others if they tried to make decisions that are best for themselves.
If there is one thing that I have discovered over these many years of working with clients, it is that they must learn how to receive in equal amounts to how much they give. It is a necessary balance of life is often which is often so misunderstood. I you the reader, “Which is more important? To breathe out? Or to breathe in?” I hope you reach the necessary conclusion that both are equally important. And so it is with giving and receiving. They are both of equal importance. Yet our society seems to continually tell us that giving is by far superior to receiving.
I find this challenge to exist in men and women. However predominantly I find this is most often presented in women. From the work that I have done over many years, I see that it is women who are being taught that self-sacrifice is a noble characteristic to aspire to if you want to be a good woman. Women are taught from a very early age as they watch their mothers very often sacrificing and giving to the point of pain to all those around them. Then they are taught to not ask for much, because if you do then you are considered to be selfish or greedy. If I had a dime for every woman who worked with me inside in of an unhealthy relationship asking me why they felt that their partner did not or could not give to them when they themselves exclaimed that, ” I don’t ask for much”. To this I give my response that we get what we ask for. So why do we not ask for much?
If we really are going to bring about a change to this in balance of giving and receiving then we have to start at the very beginning. In my years of work I discovered that there are three levels of receiving that need to be reached in order to find true balance. These are the countermeasures to the excessive amounts of giving. If one can follow these three levels, then balance can be achieved.
1 – First we must learn how to take compliments. Most people who are not able to receive well are uncomfortable in receiving compliments. Either they deflect when a compliment is given or they may say thank you but internally believe that the compliment is fake. In step one we must learn how to just say thank you to a compliment then tell ourselves that we are receiving compliment and allow it to truly be absorbed into our being. When someone says, “Hey Jen, I love your hair!” Jane in turn says thank you so much and allowed that to be received. Rather than her usual knee-jerk reaction of “Oh I didn’t do my hair yet, I really need to take a shower, ugh I think it looks awful”.
2 – Next we discover how to say yes to things that we can do ourselves or would normally say no to. We must allow others to do and give to us in the way that we like to do and give to others. If we do not make the states for others to give to us, then we will only around surround ourselves with people who want to take and do not know how to give. So when someone says, “Excuse me that suitcase looks heavy can I carry it for you”. We don’t fall into the knee-jerk reaction of, “I’m good! No thanks! I got it!”. To be able to allow others to do for us and to get comfortable with that. Even if it is something that we can do ourselves, to know that it is okay to allow others to help us. And this also means during this second step of receiving that we offer our assistance a lot less. We give others the opportunity to find their own solutions and we free up some time for ourselves to focus on our own needs. This may even require us to say no sometimes, just because we don’t feel like doing something.
3 – Lastly we get comfortable with asking for help and not feeling like we are obligated to return the favor. The neighbor were to come to you with a broken leg and ask for a ride to the hospital. If you said yes and took them to the hospital, would you do so I your nature and desire to help the other person? Or would you do it with the intention in your heart that they are now owing you a favor in return? The way that you feel about others and assisting them is how healthy people around you want to assist you. So to be able to ask for help and not feel guilty about it and also not to feel indebted to that person after receiving assistance is the highest level of receiving.
These changes are certainly not easy. Especially if you have spent a lifetime of giving and not being comfortable in receiving. But all negative habits can be replaced positive ones, it just takes some time and practice to get there. The good news is it takes much less time to rewrite the habits that it did to acquire them in the first place. I suggest at least a week or two for each one of the three phases of receiving. I believe in a matter of six weeks anyone can learn the art of balance between giving and receiving. When you make the space for others to give to you then you will find that there are so many people around who want to give. The funny thing is when you are focusing on receiving, those around you who take more than they give, suddenly feel less comfortable in the taking. Before you know it, you are breathing in receiving and breathing out giving. Then balance is achieved.