Remember when you were first going out with your partner?
You had great times together. And the intense feelings of love and joy and fun abound. It’s like they could do no wrong!
The longer you spend together, though, the more challenges and the stress of “real life” intrudes. That original passion tends to diminish at a very rapid rate. Often, you both end up rushing around, doing your own thing.
Some days you hardly notice or think about each other much at all.
And often the things you think about them now are how much they annoy you.
Let’s bring back the spark and thrill of being with your special someone!
Rekindle the incredible feelings like you had when you first met.
It’s not as hard as you might think it would be!
I’m sure you’ve heard these sayings:
“You see more of whatever you focus on!”
“What you think about, you bring about!”
“Where attention goes, energy flows!”
These are absolutely true, and you don’t even realize it when it’s happening. You start out happy and in love, but gradually over the years, you find you are merely cohabitating and hardly speaking to one another.
If this sounds familiar, I have an assignment that I give all of my Coaching clients.
First of all, you need to realize that you cannot change anyone but yourself.
If you think your partner needs to change and you don’t, then this article is not for you.
If you are curious about this “One Minute Miracle” for your relationship and are willing to only work on yourself, then read on! This works for every single person who does it***!
[*** Qualifier: If you are with someone who is abusive to you, that is a very different story! Please get help and get yourself out of that situation. Do not expect the person to change. This assignment is for people who are with someone who treats them well, but the spark has just gone out of their relationship over time.]
Ready to rekindle your romance?
1. Get yourself a little notebook.
In it you are going to note the date, and then write something each day that your partner said or did that was awesome! (something thoughtful, kind, generous, something they went out of their way to do for you…. Write just a few words about what you appreciate about them that day).
In the beginning it might be something as simple as “He put his own plate in the dishwasher!” If you are feeling like you have to do all the clean-up after meals and are feeling resentful, then noticing that your partner put their own plate in the dishwasher might be something notable for you. It can be something that small! That’s what you write.
Don’t intentionally do anything different, ie. don’t make a big deal thanking them for doing the thoughtful, courteous, respectful or nice thing that they did, just sneak off and write about it in your little book – as you smile to yourself.
2. Do this every single day!
Even on days when you don’t think your partner did anything nice or noteworthy…*Especially* on days when you don’t think your partner did anything nice or noteworthy… Find something!
What you’ll discover is that, right now, your mind is set on the “Notice What’s NOT Working” dial, and you need to consciously switch it over to “Notice What IS Working.”
After about a week, you will see that there are quite a few things for you to write in your little book.
And soon something very magical starts to happen. Little by little, your relationship is going to improve dramatically.
3. Keep writing!
The longer you keep this going, the more your relationship will transform. The pages of your little book will start to fill up very quickly!
What some of my clients have done is continue this writing practice every day for an entire year and then give the book to their partner on their anniversary.
It’s a powerful gesture of love and dedication to taking ownership of your part in making things work in your relationship!
When I first suggest this to my clients, many are adverse to the process. They often tell me they can’t think of anything nice to put in their book for the first few days.
4. Don’t let yourself off the hook!
You MUST write at least one thing each day!
Later on, when the magic starts to happen you will find that you’re able to write a lot of things, but you need to write at least one every single day.
Pro Tip: You can do this exercise with anyone in your life that you have a strained relationship with: a co-worker, your boss, even your kids! When my daughter was a very troubled teenager, I was able to change my thoughts about her instead of only focusing on all the destructive things she was doing and how she was messing up her life. It’s a powerful exercise to turn your thoughts around and see the good in others. When you change your thoughts, it’s surprising how the other person seems to blossom more and more into the wonderful person you now see them to be!
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”
Wayne Dyer
I also used this exercise to transform my own marriage. It’s helped us go from constant thoughts of divorce, to the vibrant and passionate relationship we have since rekindled!
One of the ladies I’ve worked with told me,
“Got it! I will start being curious and observant of my husband tomorrow, writing down the awesomeness I notice, and I will get back to you in a month. This may help a lot as I have a little book filled with all the things he’s done that have been pissing me off for the last five months.”
EXACTLY!
You will see more of whatever you focus on – The things that annoy you about someone else? Or their awesomeness?