Keeping your private business private, off of social media and between you and your mate is crucial to a trusting and secure relationship. Don’t tell your friends anything you wouldn’t tell your partner.

When we have problems who do we turn to; our spouse, our partners and our closest friends. What happens when your problem is with your partner or spouse, what then? Naturally you turn to another listening ear. It might be your parent, or sibling, or your best friend, or you may simply rant on social media and get some validation from your Facebook or Instagram friends. The problem with most of these options is that it leaves out the crucial most important person in the scenario, which is your partner!  

When you go around your partner to talk to someone else about your partner, you’re making a common mistake that is potentially very harmful to your love relationship. You’re talking about your partner instead of talking to them. Nothing will be resolved by this and the fact that you’re talking about them, in a potentially very public matter(as in social media), can further complicate the matter and add a level of anger and betrayal on top of the existing problem,

In this age of TMI (too much information) and ranting on social media, the wise person keeps their private business private. This is the path to resolution of issues between adult people. Keep your stuff to yourself. What’s between you and your partner is nobody’s business but yours. 

There’s nothing wrong with getting friendly advice from a parent or close friend but be wary of disclosing too much about problems with your partner and instead ask general advice. When you have nowhere to turn, turn back to your partner, and begin to solve your problems together. 

Not everyone is your friend and the more you broadcast about your partner behind their back, the likelihood of them hearing of it through mutual friends or family members is very high.  How hurtful do you imagine it would be to hear that your loved one is broadcasting about you on social media and making it look like you are at fault in the situation?

It really comes down to trust and respect. No matter how angry or upset you might be with your partner or in a disagreement, you don’t spread dirt about them on public forums. This is a matter of integrity. Your partner deserves to be treated better than that. You owe them discretion and respect. 

You owe them face to face conversations where you’re truthful and honest, and are able to simply say how you feel, and what you hope to accomplish by resolving any issues. Messages in text can be easily misconstrued and words sent out into the ether remain there forever. So long after you and your partner may have kissed and made out, there will still be damaging or disparaging comments out there from the past. It can come back to bite you later on. 

So swallow your pride if you must, it’s not that much of a bitter pill. Go to your partner and tell them what’s bothering you. Talk about what sparked the debate, what led to the conversation and prepare to put the work in with your partner to solve it. Before you talk to friends, or anyone really, make sure that you and your partner are on the same page and that your partner has heard every single thing that you’re tempted to rant about publicly, in a private civil discussion. 


  • Stuart Fensterheim

    Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW

    The Couples Expert

    Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW helps couples to overcome the disconnection in their relationships. As an author, blogger and podcaster, Stuart has helped couples around the world to experience a unique relationship in which they can feel special and important, confident in knowing they are loved deeply and that their presence matters. His weekend workshop, Two Days: Seven Conversations has become a popular venue for many to set off on their journey of connectedness. The Couples Expert Podcast consists of weekly provocative conversations offering the perspectives and insight of experts from a variety of relationship related fields. Stuart also offers daily relationship video tips on The Couples Expert YouTube channel and by subscription in Stuart's Daily Notes. Stuart is happily married and a devoted father of 2 daughters. His office practice serves the greater Phoenix, Arizona area including the cities of Scottsdale, Chandler, Tempe, and Mesa.