Yes, that’s me.
As an entrepreneur and speaker you’d think I had a master plan to conquer the world. Truth is I spend a lot of my time swimming in my own fears, treading through scary shark like thoughts and totally petrified of failure and lack of safety.
I want to…. but… but. There’s so much to wade through it all gets murky and I feel stuck. I feel like an island, weathering it all. My whole life has been, and still is, about creating strategies to manage my anxiety.
At first I thought I had to hide from it all, I felt ashamed. I put on a brave face and pretended to be ok, and then I hid myself from the world. I spent my whole teenage years having panic attacks and feeling constantly broken and lost. Literally moving to reclusive places and always shutting people out.
Today, even though the anxiety is still there, I use it differently. I appreciate the messages I’m getting from my body. I say ‘thank you for visiting me, take a seat, let’s talk.’ I investigate and find ease in my discomfort. I manage myself the best I can every day. And then I do it all again.
Mental health conversations are so important for so many reasons. We need to allow this stuff to be fully heard, and hold space for one another to feel without judgment and rejection.
I’ve accepted that not everyone can understand the sensitive stuff that comes up. I don’t blame them for not knowing. Until we are in touch with our own darknesses how are we supposed to accept that in others? The world needs so much healing, so much more learning about the variances. We are all different. We do not need to change to be like someone else and someone else’s idea of how you should be, well chuck that out.
Being sensitive I’ve learned is a gift. As well as the anxiety I also experience times of deep insight. I have moments where I just know. There’s a deeply intuitive connection that can be strengthened through exploration of anxious feelings. It’s the resisting that causes the real pain.
Just be you.
There is no shame in feeling ‘too much’, thinking ‘too much’ or not being ok. I just want you to know I’m here doing this hard work too. You are not alone.
CONNECT: If you are suffering from anxiety or other heavy emotions, please reach out. Keep looking for your people and don’t give up. I’m happy to direct you to the right support if you send me a message. Or contact Beyond Blue.