Life is a mess.
Gayle Forman wrote: “Life is a big fat gigantic stinking mess, that’s the beauty of it, too.”
I was looking at the picture of me, the newborn me, and I wish that sweet little baby I once was never had to go through all the pain and all the tears.
Looking at her, it is mind-boggling how she grew up to be me, how she didn’t give up, how she is me, 25 years later.
A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same.
Life is a mess.
It has always been and it will always be. But is there a pattern in the mess?
A huge point someone is trying to make by creating the whole mess?
I’ve always believed that life was stranger than fiction and much more painful. I bet if I knew the whole stories from the lives I barely touched but heard about, I bet then I’d think life was crazier than my mind could conjure up.
And yet, there is someone out there who knows the whole picture. Someone who is very reluctant to share with us.
We are merely humans treading the Earth, trying to make sense out of it all and we’ve got it bad.
Life is a mess.
Maybe life is as much a mess as we are?
Maybe it isn’t good or bad, miserable or happy, gloomy or sunny?
Maybe life is all colours altogether, in a bundle, blended so hard one can’t distinguish the lines.
I’m grown enough to take good with the bad and happiness with misery.
I am also grown enough to understand that it can’t always be winter; it can’t always be summer in our hearts. Everything that is alive cannot help but change itself.
As the weather and the seasons change – we change. Circumstances change, feelings change, and lives could change in bare seconds.
And as Gayle Forman said – “that’s the beauty of it”
The thought that brings me peace of mind is that however down, heartbroken, guarded, pained one is today, tomorrow will change you forever. Each day you get to live differently, get to be a different you. We get to start over, as far as we have air to breathe and courage to stay amongst living.
Life is a mess.
And I’ve been trying to figure it out. I’ve been searching for answers. I’ve been searching for the way out. I’ve been searching for life without pain. I sought happiness and better days for myself and my family. I wanted to take their worries away, I wanted to wipe the tears from my mom’s eyes, I wanted to brush off her agony. I could use my dad’s faith in the inner workings of God and the reason behind everything; I could use my dad’s kindness and his ignorance.
But I also wish to find my own way in this entangled bundle.
Life is a mess.
Maybe we should close our eyes and stop looking at all the facets, all the outer workings and start listening with a soul, proverbial heart that is more than an organ which pumps blood and makes us living human beings.
Maybe we should close our eyes, inhale, exhale and find a belief worth living for, find a goal worth fighting for, find a person worth loving, worth all the struggle.
And hold onto it as hard as we can, so we could live and perceive the life as much more than a total mess not worth pursuing.
Just maybe…
Originally published at www.nataliiatotka.com