Sometimes the truth hurts. Mainly because it hits us in the gut; where reality hits our conscious minds. We probably always knew the truth. It was there. Hiding in the shadows, but we didn’t really want to know it on a personal in-depth level. It could comfortably stay right there swept under the rug. Tucked away and hidden from hitting us in the face. I mean, it can get damn uncomfortable when we have to deal with the reality of truth.
Why do we run from the truth? Besides all the logical reasons that it doesn’t feel good and it causes us to really face up to our demons? Could it be that we possibly are so ingrained with the concept of repeated behavior that it means unlearning something? It might mean restructuring our life and rewiring our energy so that we don’t repeat the same mistakes. It might mean breaking a generational habit. It might mean massive shifts of change. To which we all struggle with, because we are human and the comfortable is easiest even if it is the worst possible thing for us.
I am no stranger to the triggers of repeated behaviors. The hiding away from the truth. The manipulation of the comfort zone to not risk security. Sometimes I am the master of it. I tend to do whatever I do…extremely well…even the bad things. The holding on when I should let go. The staying in a relationship when it is well past done. The crippling workaholic habits that need to be broken. The stress that breaks down my health. I could win a world record in them all if we were competing for it. Why you ask? Sometimes I ask myself that same questions. I know I need to let it all go. I know I am repeating toxic decisions. And yet, here I am.
As I was meditating on this very aspect of my life today before I sat down to write this article, I asked the Universe…why? Why am I holding on? Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Why am I choosing to ignore all the signs that light up with HUGE exit now neon lights? Some of it I do believe is rooted in a deep past I haven’t fully unpacked. A past that I fought for a long time. A past that I was forced to deal with at one-point staring death in the face because I thought it was the only way out. A past that I have come to realize I am still not fully healed from. A past that I now know I still struggle with triggers and flashbacks from. A past that still controls some of my decisions because I am so afraid of losing it all again. Maybe not even losing it, but the fear of control lost when I lose it without being able to handle how it happens. It causes me to put up with things that I normally would consider to be hard boundaries of mine. It causes me to still work myself crazy because I feel in control. It still causes me to repeat decisions because I lose sight of the fact, I am strong enough on my own. I panic when I think it could all fall apart without me allowing it to fall apart. I need to decide how and when it falls away. All deep triggers. All deep-rooted issues. All part of my abandonment issues of losing it all and the fear of having it happen again. All part of not letting myself love more than the person is loving me, because it hurts too much to lose it when I am the one loving most. Layers and layers of protection shielding me from feeling any emotions in life because I am too rigid with control and fear of losing that control.
I am not proud of this. Matter of fact, it perplexes me. It drives me insane some days. I wonder how I got so mis-wired and will the wires ever be fixed? Will the triggers ever leave? Will I ever allow myself to love and lose control of the love? Will I ever allow myself to work without stressing so much on not being perfect? Will I ever let go of the façade of life I fall into so easily? Will I ever trust again? Will I ever enjoy life without worrying about it all falling apart? Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows? All I can do, is choose. One day at a time. One choice at a time. One breath at a time. And when I choose wrong…. choose again. Over and over until the right choices become easier and the wrong choices fade away. It is life. It won’t ever be easy. It won’t ever be perfect. It will just be. Simply life. Choice by choice. Life and love mingled in a fire of learning to create it better each time I choose. So, for today. I choose to choose again. It is all I can do and it is a step in the right direction.