For a brief moment, feeling as hopeless and alone as I did, I really didn’t see any other way. Thank goodness it was only brief.
What I know now, so many years later, is that, if I’d let that actually happen, so many people’s lives would not be touched by my greatness. I am not being “full of it here”. I’ve helped so many thousands of people transform their lives, and there will be many more I am not even aware of. If I’d ended my life that day, then all the good I’ve done, and all the good this ridiculously difficult situation brought me, would have been non existent. And that my friend, would have been such a shame.
But I rush ahead… What’s important here is back on that busy road. I heard horns honking and tyres screeching and it jolted me back into reality. I managed to break free from my thoughts long enough to move myself to safety, and it really made me stop and think about my life.
Sure, where I was at currently was really bad, however, even though I had many issues going on, I knew that ending my life was not the answer. I had absolutely no idea what the answer was at this stage, and so I just floundered along.
I knew I’d need money, so finding work had to be high on the priority list. I knew I’d need a place to live, and I knew I’d need to build some form of life for myself again.
Ironically, even though I’d done my best to sell everything I owned before going to Canada, it turned out, I had enough items left to move into a small place of my own. Scrounging any money I could find, I managed to do a deal with an old landlord to pay off the bond and moved into a small unit. I was lucky he trusted me, because my rental record wasn’t the flashest, due to the abandonment of my last place (circumstances)
So, here I was… I had a roof over my head, food in the cupboard, and so the next step was to get some income coming in. I can tell you, I’d never felt more miserable in my entire life. I felt like there wasn’t a living soul on the planet who cared for me and I truly was completely broken.
Over the next few days, I went to some interviews, and I managed to get through them. I hocked a bit of jewellery I had to keep me afloat, and I picked up some temporary work through an agency.
I can recall the first position I had. It was on a reception desk, answering calls. It is a great thing it was so quiet, because I cried all day. I just couldn’t help it. The floodgates had opened and there was just no way to stop it. I went and saw a counsellor that night, looking for any kind of guidance, but he was little help.
One of my work colleagues took pity on me and hooked me up with some “friends” of his, from his local church. They came around the following weekend, and left quickly, when they realised just how down I was. Even they didn’t want to hang around.
Over the next month or two, I really found out, just how many low-life’s there were, who would take advantage of someone when they were down. It really made me sad to realise it.
I guess it was about this time, that I decided, what I really needed to do… was get the hell out of Australia.
See, I’d had a wee taste of overseas by that stage, and all I could really see, was this escape route. Wrongly, I blamed all my problems and issues on Australia, and knowing there was nothing there for me, I decided to go.
I wanted Canada first of course, and then I thought England. I was rejected by the English Govt for a passport, even though my father was British, because my parents weren’t married when I was born. I actually had the lady on the phone say to me “Well there’s no evidence he was even your father, is there?”
So, the next choice was New Zealand. I was born there, and left when I was just 4 months old. The idea that I knew absolutely no one there was exhilarating, because I could start over, and terrifying at the same time.
So, I set this as a goal. I managed to pick up some more regular work. I’d been fired from the first temporary job because I couldn’t stop crying. I made a few friends down at the local club, where I’d go on a Friday and Saturday night for company, and I even met a man who I became involved with.
A few months after this, I moved into his place across town, so I could save more money. It was convenient, and it came with benefits. I’d always been very clear though, that it was only until I’d saved enough to go.
I’d spoken to my Canadian a few times. I missed him with every fibre of my being, and would have dropped everything in a heartbeat to go back to him, if only he’d say so.
He never did though. He eventually told his wife about me and I guess I knew then, that it would never be anything more than what it had been. I was completely devastated.
So, I worked, and I saved, and I spent time with the man I lived with. I was adamant and clear that it was not a long term relationship, more one of convenience. Because not only was he unsuitable, he came with his own set of problems. A violent past and a very angry and vindictive ex wife, who’d suffered from his abuse.
It was all good for awhile, but slowly, he started displaying behaviours I did not like. Just like my ex-husband, except, this one would have used his fists… I could see it coming and so I knew I had to be ready to go when I needed to.
I got all my things in order, my passport, my money, and soon after, I purchased my ticket. The man I lived with had started making noises about me not going anywhere, so I did not let on, that I had that in my possession. The day was set though.
As the day got closer, I finished up my employment and spent the last couple of weeks not working. The violence and attitude of the guy I lived with was getting worse and worse, and as it turned out, the night before I was meant to leave, we had the biggest fight we’d ever had. It gave me the perfect reason to leave the next day.
And so I did. I had everything ready to go. I just had to wait for him to leave for work… The moment he was gone, I could throw all my clothes into a suitcase, unplug my computer, and pack that up, and be out of his place in under an hour…I just had to wait…
The tension was rife… he had become quite forceful with me the night before… and I was more than a little scared. If only he’d leave.. why wouldn’t he leave?
Then it happened. He strode into the room, and bellowed… “I won’t be back tonight. I’ll be back when I am ready.”
What he didn’t realise, was he had just given me the best gift ever. My freedom. I couldn’t believe my luck! So, I played contrary until I could no longer hear his vehicle and I sprung into action!
I put all my clothes in my suitcase, called the moving company that I had on standby to come and get a few items, and was in the cab to head to my friend’s house. I was staying there overnight, as my flight left ridiculously early the next day.
As the cab drove away… for the first time in ages, I felt the slightest glimmer of hope for the future… I felt there was a slight chance for me, even if it was paper thin… I’d been through so much and I had so far to go still… however, this was only the beginning.
Yet to read Part 1? Check It Out Here!