Regarding live performances, Derren Brown says that the number of audience coughs is inversely proportional to how good a show is, meaning that fewer coughs indicate that people are enjoying the show. Today that translates into how often people check their phones, as if they are potential organ donor recipients awaiting news of a recent bicycle accident that left an otherwise healthy 18‑year‑old with a signed Do Not Resuscitate order brain-dead. This is one way I gauge if a film is compelling — by how many times the people around me (rudely) check their phones during the movie.
Distributors strategically release their Academy Award hopeful films during the holiday season so that they are fresh in people’s minds when the Academy votes. Theaters burst with prestige titles already anointed by festival buzz and solid reviews. Here are some of the films that I recommend seeing in theaters and some that I do not:
“The Testament of Ann Lee” is “Hamilton” meets the Second Coming of Jesus Christ as a woman — a colonial-era musical about the origins of Ann Lee’s 18th‑century Shaker movement. Riveting from start to finish, the film is exquisitely shot and features a thunderstriking, mesmerizing performance by Amanda Seyfried. This Freudian (can you spell “sublimation”?) reading of Shakers’ visceral worship is so audacious you can only expect the unexpected. If you’ve ever wondered whether prayer could be ecstatic, nay orgasmic, rush to see this film. Zero phone checks.
“Marty Supreme” unequivocally has the best casting of any film ever. Just the faces of the extras and bit players are worth the price of admission, but watching the inconceivably staggering performances by director Abel Ferrara, magician Penn Jillette, writer Pico Iyer, designer Isaac Mizrahi, rapper Tyler the Creator, investor Kevin O’Leary, and writer-director David Mamet is truly mind-altering.
I thought I might be succumbing to a heart attack during “Uncut Gems” — similarly, the intensity of Timothée Chalamet’s delusional descent into “manifesting” the reality he believes he merits is excessively unnerving. A brain-breaking screenplay, impeccable cinematography, and flawless acting by everyone on screen — especially Fran Drescher and Gwyneth Paltrow — make “Marty Supreme” the only film that might beat “One Battle After Another” for Best Picture. Zero phone checks.
“Nuremberg”: Russell Crowe incarnates the banality of evil genius and deserves to win the Best Actor award in this masterfully written screenplay that has more final plot twists than a bag of Swizzlers. Unfortunately, Rami Malek’s protruding overbite and unintentionally flippant Freddie Mercury smile mangle the tone of this otherwise wonderful film. Richard E. Grant, as usual, tears up the scenery. A few phone checks.
“Hamnet”: Just as I predicted Mikey Madison would win Best Actress for “Anora” five months before the awards, I predict Jessie Buckley will win Best Actress this year. I did not enjoy Chloé Zhao’s “Nomadland” nor did I enjoy “Hamnet.” But a book and film portraying the greatest play ever written as an act of grief is a stunning and emotionally resonant work of art. I’m uncertain if I “enjoy” Anselm Kiefer paintings in the same manner I “enjoy” Gerhard Richter paintings, but I find them equally poignant and powerful. Minimal phone checks.
“Is This Thing On?” — I’m a huge admirer of Bradley Cooper, but he really shit the bed with “Is This Thing On?” I can only assume he cultivated such goodwill from “Maestro” that people were afraid to tell him the script — spoiler alert — contains the worst MacGuffin of any first-year film student: Will Arnett takes to doing stand-up to process his impending divorce and — out of the 10,000 possible entertainment venues in New York City — his soon-to-be ex-wife’s date happens to choose the comedy club where Will is doing a schtick about her. If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain… Fine acting yet zero suspension of disbelief. Many phone checks.
Ditto regarding Jim Jarmusch: “Father Mother Sister Brother” is three student films that only make sense as advertisements for Rolex. If you enjoy watching family members sit in awkward silence, drink water and tea, and ponder what to say while skateboarders careen down the road, then don’t miss this movie. I found it unsitthroughable. Many phone checks.
It really has been a fantastic year to see films like “Sinners” and “One Battle After Another” — and even “Bugonia” — on the big screen. And someday — like most comedy clubs — theaters will have ushers bag people’s phones so they cannot rudely check them during the film. Maybe then, upon exiting the theater, instead of checking their messages, people might turn to complete strangers and ask, “So whatcha think?”
Imagine!