Question: I went to a holiday party with my husband and one of his co-workers was a little more handsy than I would have liked. My husband told me that she was his “office wife” and that it was completely innocent. It may be for him but I don’t think it is for her, especially when she was doing it in front of me! Should I confront her about her behavior?
Answer: I can see how this would completely piss you off. And hurt you, yes?
Let’s start with your husband. Besides this ‘office wife’, has he ever given you reason to not trust him? Has he disrespected you flirting with other women in the past? Have there been affairs in the past? Are you affectionate with other men and is he fine with the way you are with them or the way they are with you? Have you been fine with the way he’s been affectionate with other women or is this the first time experience or a pattern for the two of you?
How do you feel about his comment about having another wife at the office? How does that feel in your heart? Have the two of you had conversations about how to handle attractions to other people and from other people? How is your sex life in general? Are the two of you intimately connected with a satisfying sexual relationship? Do each of you feel appreciated and seen and adored by the other?
For me, the idea him him having an office wife wouldn’t sit very well with me, and the fact that she would be physically flirtatious in front of you is rude and disrespectful, it’s not what sisters do to one another, it’s not what conscious women behave like. Not that it’s an excuse, but was she drunk or sober?
I would definitely have a heart to heart with your husband about how it all made you feel, and talk about some rules or deals or behaviors that both of you agree on so that each of you feel honored in public situations together, and when you’re not together.
I know it’s not very politically correct but in your mind’s eye it may be helpful just to ‘let ‘er rip’ and express what you REALLY wanted to do just to get it out of your system. For example, a part of me would certainly wanted to have scratched her eyes out! Called her a whore and joyfully thrown a glass of Cabernet all over her lovely white dress ? Be real and tell a trusted friend or your journal what you really wanted to do! Be a little naughty. Yet I find those kind of behaviors in real life tend to make things worse ?
In real life what could you have done at the party?
I have the blessing of having authentic truthful conscious bold honest raw vulnerable self responsible life changing conversations all day. You could have taken her aside and said as one conscious woman to another, Sexuality can be beautiful. Yet what you’re doing touching my husband’s body infant of me hurts my heart. It doesn’t feel honoring or respectful. It diminishes our sisterhood. It breeds competition. My request is that you offer your affections to a single man interested in you, not my husband.
If that was met with glazed over eyes or brushed off as inconsequential, perhaps you could have said to your husband, “Oh sweetheart, is this your masseuse?” And when she says no, then you could let her know, You missed her calling because your hands were definitely inappropriately touching my husband so BACK OFF cuz he’s off limits. Then smile sweetly asking your hubby to help you find her a single man to touch for the remainder of the party because she must be lonely.
That’s kind of bitchy, yet after years of suffering from being a nice girl who tells the truth all the time and got her ass kicked in court, I’ve learned there’s a time and place to be a bitch, protect your territory and say what people want to hear to get the outcome that YOU know will be the highest good of all.
Bottom line I believe it’s your husband‘s job to make you feel safe and seen and secure and cherished and supported and he didn’t.
I believe it’s your job to be the wind and his wings and have his back so that he feels believed in and appreciated.
I recommend the two of you have a talk about this and create a new foundation in 2018 that honors both of you.
Every marriage is a living breathing being… that requires attention to grow, thus it’s important to focus on deeper communication and intimacy practices to thrive. As with other happy healthy couples I support, I would be honored to take the two of you through series of six sessions. You can apply for a complementary session to ensure you’re a fit for me to invite you to move forward at www.allanapratt.com/connect.
Humongous love, Allana
p.s. Gentlemen…End the Fear of Rejection.
Enjoy your “How To Be A Noble Badass” Complementary Training at www.GetHerToSayYes.com
Ladies…Be irresistible. Feel sacred. Attract him now.
Enjoy your “Vulnerability is the New Sexy” Complementary Training at www.AllanaPratt.com