The paramount strategy to try to eliminate stress in relationships is Alignment. This is where the parties involved have their goals aligned with each other. A husband and wife could have an aligned goal of both committing to be the best parent as possible to their disabled child. Two co-workers could align themselves with each other by desiring to produce the highest quality product possible for the company. Two siblings could align themselves with each other by both choosing to have as amicable a relationship as possible so that the parents have less to stress about. A father and child could align themselves with others by trying to create a supportive relationship for each other to succeed in life. Alignment is key for complex systems to move forward together.
With all that’s going on in our country, our economy, the world, and on social media, it feels like so many of us are under a great deal of stress. Relationships, in particular, can be stress-inducing. We know chronic stress can be as unhealthy as smoking a quarter of a pack a day. What are stress management strategies that people use to become “Stress-Proof? What are some great tweaks, hacks, and tips that help reduce or even eliminate stress? In this interview series, we are talking to authors, and mental health experts, who can share their strategies for reducing or eliminating stress. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Michael Dow, RN, MS, MHA, MSM.
Michael Stephen Dow always had a love for science and the human body so for a third career, he used his GI bill to go through nursing school and graduated in August 2020. Michael has 5 college degrees and now works as a Registered Nurse at an inpatient psychiatric hospital. Books he has authored have garnered many awards including best Children’s Education Series from Independent Press Award (Nurse Florence® children’s health book series). His company will be having a National Kids Essay Contest starting September 13th every year through Thanksgiving. The Grand Prize Winner gets a free set of the Nurse Florence series in hardcover.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to know how you got from “there to here.” Inspire us with your backstory!
My mom is from the French Speaking area of Canada (Quebec) and my dad is from Alabama. They met by happenstance. My dad was working a lot, so I learned French as my first language from spending so much time with my mom. I unfortunately was not very well-prepared for kindergarten for English, so my mom and I watched a lot of Sesame Street, Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Rogers to get my English up to speed. This was the first of many times in my life I was brought out of my comfort zone and had to grow. I was, at best, a mediocre student in High School and then dropped out of college because I felt I was wasting my parents’ money. I later went back and developed a laser focused attention on my studies and excelled. I like to joke that my punishment from the universe for dropping out of college and stressing my parents out was to get 5 college degrees. I was getting my second bachelor’s and planning for medical school and then the events of Sep 11, 2001 happened. I chose to change my career direction and put in an application to the US Air Force. Again, I was moved out of my comfort zone as evidenced by old friends saying that I was one of the most pacifist they knew. I served 8 years in the military. I then, luckily, landed into my second career as an Army Wounded Warrior Advocate. I served 8 years in that position helping combat PTSD Veterans access all of their benefits and resources. I then used my GI bill, which was about to expire, to go through an accelerated nursing school program at the University of Arizona (15 months Master’s level program to be able to take the NCLEX). I graduated, passed the exam and then started working immediately as an inpatient psychiatric nurse and am loving it (the job does have challenges like every job has challenges, though).
What lessons would you share with yourself if you had the opportunity to meet your younger self?
Learn about mentorship and find a great mentor or multiple mentors. Learn leadership skills early. Practice the good of religion like forgiveness, avoiding things that would cause regret, love God, and start self-study as a kid since it seems endless regarding the number of things to learn and know about.
None of us are able to experience success without support along the way. Is there a particular person for whom you are grateful because of the support they gave you to grow you from “there to here?” Can you share that story and why you are grateful for them?
My dad. He gave myself and my sisters a great example of what a good work ethic is. He worked hard to provide for the family, and we saw that. I credit him with my work ethic and willingness to work long hours when it is needed. He loved us by providing for and making sure we were not in need, and I am very thankful.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think it might help people?
We will be having a National Kids Essay Contest to promote the Nurse Florence series and hope many kids apply. Winners get copies of the books with the Grand Prize Winner getting a copy of the entire set. An informational video can be found at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBwUpDmy9FI
Our company has just launched a Kickstarter campaign to help fund the production of the next book series focused on mental health for kids which is titled Nurse Dorothea. This is in homage to the legendary Dorothea Dix who advocated for humane treatment for the mentally ill in the 1800s (https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/nurseflorence/ground-breaking-mental-health-series-for-kids).
We continue to produce a new Nurse Florence every 10 days. Nurse Florence is our series for kids addressing general science questions children may have about the body as well as disease topics. The idea is that if a member in the family gets a certain disease, they will buy that specific Nurse Florence book and read it as a family so that everyone’s health literacy will be raised (www.NurseFlorence.org). The books are being translated into multiple languages and special editions are being created like Nurse Florence® for the Visually Impaired. We hope to improve the world’s health literacy levels so that more people can have confident discussion with their healthcare Provider. The series may also increase people’s wonder about the amazing workings of the human body.
Ok, thank you for sharing your inspired life. Let’s now talk about stress. How would you define stress?
Stress as defined by Merriam-Webster is “a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation” and “one of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium.” Healthline defines it as “the feeling of being overwhelmed or unable to cope with mental or emotional pressure.” The World Health Organization defines it as “a state of worry or mental tension caused by a difficult situation.”
In the Western world, humans typically have their shelter, food, and survival needs met. So what has led to this chronic stress? Why are so many of us always stressed out?
In regard to chronic stress in relationships, we may seem stressed out a lot due to the complexity of life and how it seems to be increasing as technology increases. The scientific theory of complexity says, “that some systems display behavioral phenomena that are completely inexplicable by any conventional analysis of the systems’ constituent parts” (https://www.britannica.com/science/complexity-scientific-theory). A basic relationship is two people interacting with each other. Therefore, two complex systems are creating new things that one by themselves could not. Relationships are, by nature, complicated. Because of this, understanding, managing and supporting good relationships takes work and a lot of effort.
What are some of the physical manifestations of being under a lot of stress? How does the human body react to stress?
The World Health Organization states that signs of stress are anxiety, irritability, difficulty concentrating, headaches, upset stomach, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, or increased appetite. Some people may have pre-existing health problems worsen and some may start to abuse substances like alcohol (https://www.who.int/news-room/questions-and-answers/item/stress).
Is stress necessarily a bad thing? Can stress ever be good for us?
Stress in a relationship could be a sign of misalignment of priorities with the involved parties. Therefore, stress in a relationship is a good thing to point to an area where growth needs to happen.
Is there a difference between being in a short-term stressful situation versus an ongoing stress? Are there long-term ramifications to living in a constant state of stress?
The World Health Organization states that signs of stress are anxiety, irritability, difficulty concentrating, headaches, upset stomach, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, or increased appetite. Some people may have pre-existing health problems worsen and some may start to abuse substances like alcohol (https://www.who.int/news-room/questions-and-answers/item/stress).
Let’s now focus more on the stress of relationships. This feels intuitive, but it is helpful to spell it out in order to address it. Can you help articulate why relationships can be so stressful?
As I mentioned earlier, relationships are a product of at least two complex entities interacting with each other. This creates another level of complexity. Sometimes, it may feel like the person is an ant and cannot see the layout of the land ahead of itself that it will need to climb. You could say, relationships create another dimension to our existence. The more we have different relationships, the better we will be able to navigate future relationships. We enter new relationships like a blind person, not knowing where it will go, but as time and experiences continue, we are better able to forecast the current state of the relationship and where it will be in the future.
Can you help spell out some of the problems that come with the stress caused by relationships?
Some people experience physical problems from the stress in relationships as mentioned above by Healthline. Some people experience anxiety from stress in relationships. Due to the anxiety, some people have unhealthy coping skills and develop other problems like substance abuse, gambling addiction, etc. Stress in relationships can also cause depression for some people which could cause them to be in need of anti-depressant medications. Some people turn to overspending to buy the other person things to deal with the stress which could cause other problems in the relationship due to increased debt. Some people deal with stress in relationships by overeating which can cause obesity leading to other health problems.
Here is the main question of our interview: Can you share with our readers your “5 stress management strategies that you can use to eliminate stress from your relationships?”
The paramount strategy to try to eliminate stress in relationships is Alignment. This is where the parties involved have their goals aligned with each other. A husband and wife could have an aligned goal of both committing to be the best parent as possible to their disabled child. Two co-workers could align themselves with each other by desiring to produce the highest quality product possible for the company. Two siblings could align themselves with each other by both choosing to have as amicable a relationship as possible so that the parents have less to stress about. A father and child could align themselves with others by trying to create a supportive relationship for each other to succeed in life. Alignment is key for complex systems to move forward together.
A second essential strategy is Striving for Excellent Communication Skills. It takes a sender of a message to properly code the message into a form that another person can understand, and it takes the receiver to receive the message and decode the message.
A third important strategy is Forgiveness. Some might say instead that it takes being the bigger person sometimes or taking the moral high ground. Sometimes, others may say things that are intentionally harmful, but to have the relationship mature and continue to grow in a positive direction, a person will have to forgive and choose to not hold a grudge against the person for what they said or did.
A fourth crucial strategy to help eliminate stress from relationships is Kindness. A wise man once said it is better to love mercy than to follow rules completely. Sometimes, trying to prove yourself correct in an argument is not the best path, but showing kindness to the other person is what is needed to mend bridges. Sometimes the best sacrifice for a relationship is to be kind and merciful instead of being angry in the feeling of being correct. Also, if you practice mercy, it will be easier for you to accept mercy from others when you may need it.
A fifth critical strategy for relationships is Be a Lifelong Learner. Due to the complexity of people, complexity of our world, and the complexity of life which creates new levels of complexity in the form of our relationships, if you have an attitude of willingness to always learn new things, then you will be ready to deal with the stressors in a more positive light. Stress in a relationship could be seen as an area to grow and mature as a human into greater complexity and amazingness. We are amazing!
A sixth necessary strategy is Seek to Be and Maintain a Humble Nature. We are not always right. We are not always the best. We are not always the most learned. We do not always have the best idea. We do not always make the best effort. Humility provides a buffer to stress in a relationship to prevent a peaceful equilibrium from being totally disrupted.
A seventh exceptional strategy is to Maintain a Sense of Wonder. Seeing your relationships as precious, important, and amazing will help to provide a desire to protect your relationships. All relationships are valuable in some perspective. It can be challenging to see that perspective. Defending relationships that are worth defending provides synergy to the relationship for it to continue growing and maturing into its potential.
A chief strategy to help eliminate stress is Believe in Infinity. By believing in the never-ending, a person can more easily believe the relationship doesn’t have to die and the current stress being experienced in the relationship is temporary.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources that have inspired you to live with more joy in life?
Beethoven’s fifth symphony is an inspiration in dealing with a difficulty and then overcoming it with joy. I encourage all readers to listen to the entire symphony.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I hope that the Nurse Florence® series will inspire a movement of global health promotion and literacy. It has already started with many book awards, many great reviews, translation into multiple languages, and many parents happy with the engaging and insightful text.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
www.DowCreativeEnterprises.com
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.