Today was a day of self-reflection. My self-reflection was so deep I actually began to cry. I finally admitted to myself that I don’t know who I am anymore. I sat at my PC just staring and wondering if I’ve ever known who I truly am? I felt a flood of sadness, anxiousness, and anger raging inside of me as these thoughts/feelings were so strong I felt like they were slapping me in the face, almost as if the thoughts were taunting me.
I have dedicated my entire life to helping others and I’m not saying this for a pat on the back. That is the core of who I am. But, there is more to me than just helping others and why it’s taken me so damn long to figure this out is just as perplexing. As I write this tonight, I can honestly admit, I don’t know who I am or what it is I should be doing. Tears stream down my face because I feel in some ways like a failure and I also feel angry because I know I have many talents. Why can’t I tap into my talents and put them to work? In part, I think it’s because my brain keeps saying, you can’t compete with the younger generation, you’re spent… that’s my subconscious speaking but it’s hard to ignore when you’ve been out of work for a long period of time. Work has never defined who I am but I find myself looking for a definition now. Am I looking to define myself or define who I am through my work and passions? I’ve always counted on my passions to define me. Life has become more confusing. I thought things would get easier by the time I hit this magical era in my life.
My life has consisted of taking care of my siblings when my dad was ill and dying, becoming a nurses aid at a big hospital when I was 17 ( a junior in high school), moving on and getting hired as a Respiratory Technician, Cardiac Lab Tech, taking 2 years off to stay home with my son and I babysat. I went back to the hospital when they called to ask me to apply for a Phlebotomist position. I applied and took the job, it was part-time and worked out great because I had two children at the time. We moved about two years after I took that job and my husband was making enough money that I was able to stay at home. I wouldn’t trade my years of being at home for anything. The problem, I didn’t make an exit plan for MY life outside of raising children. I volunteered at their schools for various activities my kids were involved in and life was busy. My life was so busy, I forgot about my own needs at some point.
We all have unique talents and sometimes those talents lie dormant, just waiting to come out
I admire those of you that found your niche and stuck with it or expounded on it. My mind tends to travel in ten different directions and it seems I can’t focus on just one niche.
I found this Tedx Video and I hope some of you listen to it. This video sums up who I think I am and why it’s hard for me to make a decision. It sums up while I feel like a failure. I am NOT looking for sympathy, I’m just being quite frank and expressing my thought process at this point or shall I say, sharing my juncture in my life? Has anyone else felt stuck? How are you dealing with midlife if things don’t seem to be going as you may have anticipated long before you hit this time in your life? I hope you watch the video. This video gave me some hope and also made me realize, I’m not alone… I’m just different. Being different can make us unique, or possibly a Multipotentialite (listen to the video for the definition).
Originally published at medium.com