I am not sure what my true intention for writing this is to be honest. I guess it’s just an attempt to get some of how I am feeling out on paper, to “write hard and clear about what hurts” in hopes of finding a sense of healing and relief. I know the true healing I am craving may not come for quite some time so, perhaps my real end goal here is just relief. Or maybe that is just my mind trying to stay within the realm of reasonable expectations. Perhaps it is time I take my own advice and detach from expectations.
In honor of that, I declare that the intention behind writing this is for my physical and emotional healing, emotional and energy release, and freely sharing my frustrations about life.
So, in no particular order here is my soliloquy for this evening.
There are so many people in my life asking me these two questions on a daily basis:
What do you need?
What can I do for you?
My answer is always nothing. It isn’t because I don’t want their help.
It also isn’t because there is truly nothing they can do.
It is more because I either just don’t know what I truly need or how they can help, or because sometimes I just don’t have the energy to explain what it is I need. And then there are those days where what I really need is not even something they can give me. For example, today – right in this moment, I am sitting here cupping my mug of hot tea with both hands trying to absorb as much of it’s warmth as possible. My best friend is sitting in the same room, just a few feet from me and yet I feel distant, alone and consumed by my own scattered thought. I sit here silently wishing I could just, for one moment, stop feeling so damn much. Wishing for this ball in my throat to give me a break and take up space somewhere else in this vast Universe so I can share what is on my heart. It seems to grow larger with each passing day as I continue choking back my thoughts, struggles, pain and tears. Maybe it is all due to Lyme or maybe it is nothing more than my weakness of over analyzing, taking things too personally and sharing too much. Maybe it is nothing more than self-induced struggle, doubt and an inability to express myself. My mind feels far too full with concern, fear, hesitation and frustration. Just one year ago I was so afraid of waking up to realize my life had all been a dream and now I wake up wishing that so much of it was only a dream.
This hollow pain in my heart – I wish you were just a dream.
This loss of self – I wish you were just a dream.
This physical pain – I wish you were just a dream.
This loneliness I feel – I so badly wish you were just a dream.
Who am I?
I worked my entire life trying to find the answer to this frustratingly simple sounding question. Who knew three words could become so complicated to answer when put together? I never once felt I had it all figured out but, there were moments where I felt proud of how far I had come and just when I thought I had a pretty good idea of who I was, I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. In that one moment everything I thought I once knew was turned upside down. Suddenly what it meant to be Arielle Coree changed and what really killed me was I had absolutely no control over this change. Every change leading up to this one could be clearly tied back to an action taken or decision I had made in life and if it couldn’t, then I was at least able to extrapolate some form of reasoning out of the situation. But, as hard as I try, I just can’t seem to do that with this current life change. And it breaks my heart. It leaves me feeling unfulfilled and like a stranger in my own skin.
On the days when I really struggle, I find myself clawing at the pages of my life desperately seeking reason. I selfishly ask, why me? Was I destined for this or is this struggle something I am met with as a form of karma? Did I do something in my past or present life to deserve this? Is this the Universe speaking to me? Warning me? As I am about to drown in these thoughts, I make a final gasp for air and I feel something shift. In this moment, I choose to tilt my head back a bit more and tell myself there is no reason at all…it is just something I have to push through…one day at a time.
The fact that this change was not something I actively chose is not the only struggle I need to speak about today. Another aspect of this new life that has caused me a great deal of pain is realizing just how little some people care to learn about what I am going through. It is such a confusing place to be in to remain authentic and open to others and yet also be expected to filter my truth in order to make them comfortable. People crave to see the vulnerable side of you, until you let all of the facades disappear, the walls break down and the wounds open – then it becomes too much. They don’t have to say it – I can read it on their faces. Their eyes dart, their body language shifts and their heart suddenly feels so far away. And in that moment my stomach drops, the ball in my throat grows in size and I franticly fight back the urge to cry. And then begins this impossible dance of speaking my truth and protecting my energy. I am always so quick to see how others are feeling that it makes me wonder if you even notice how you affect me.
Have you ever noticed that when your eyes dart my voice softens until it trails off?
Have you ever noticed that when your body language shifts I redirect the conversation?
Have you ever noticed that when your heart grows more distant I disconnect too, in hopes of protecting my energy?
Have you ever noticed that when you ask if I am feeling better yet my heart drops, because truthfully I am not?
Have you ever noticed that when you don’t seem interested in knowing how I am really doing I give it my best effort to seem normal?
Have you ever noticed that the glisten in my eye has grown dim?
Have you ever noticed how winded I become just from engaging in a simple conversation?
Have you ever noticed how my energy has changed overtime?
Or do you not think of these things at all?
Am I the only one weighed down by such questions?
What does it mean to be strong?
Lately it feels like when others don’t know what to say to me they just tell me I am strong. It is so strange to hear because one of the last things I identify with right now is strength. I feel physically and emotionally weak every moment of every day. Sometimes it feels like life is continuing on without me. It feels as though I am stuck in slow motion and the world keeps madly spinning on. I am scared, frustrated and disappointed so much of the day that there is no room for strength. It takes all of my energy to get out of bed in the morning and out the door on time. What is strong about that? I smile for the world but cry in the shower – just as I did when I was a little girl. What is strong about that? I am tired of waiting for a brighter day, for hope, for healing, for fulfillment, for release. It all comes down to me being tired. So yes, despite the fact that I am living my dream right now, a large part of me hopes to wake up and find so much of this to have been nothing more than a dream.