When I woke up that night little did I know that the next few minutes would change my life in a way I never thought possible at the time. I was on the brink of another suicide attempt when my son, in his own precious way guided me to a better, more loving and more fulfilling life that I thought I had lost many years previously. This transforming of my life shows the depth of love between a mother and her son never fades no matter what she thought to be true………….

Everytime I reflect on that night, my heart swells with pride for a small boy who, at the tender age of only eight years old showed his mother how much her love for him was needed. A love that does not judge, a love that does not wane, a love that eases every pain. A love that grows stronger and stronger with each passing day.

It was pitch black when I opened my eyes at 2am in the morning. I could not see it, but I could feel the cold narrow glass, like an icicle dangling from a tree branch hanging in my weakened grasp. As I raised my hand, my eyes became accustomed to the darkness as the outline of the empty wine bottle came into focus.

A vision that changed the course of my life

I looked around me unsure of exactly what I had done. Other than lying fully clothed on my bed and having drank at least when bottle of wine. The image of an alcoholic washed through my mind. The stereotypical wino on the park bench. I rose my heavy head of my pillow and swung my legs off the bed so I was now facing the bedroom door. Then it hit me like a sledge hammer pounding down on my head………..

My son was asleep in the room next door and he could have come into my room and seen this pathetic image of his mother, disheveled, unkempt and drunk.

Shocking when you know me and know that even back then when I was in the depth of my clinical depression I did not drink very often. Shame took over me in that moment, shame and disappointment. I was a failure once again to my beautiful little boy. Or so I thought. What happened in the next few moments were to change my life forever. In a way I never thought possible. When you have failed 2 attempts at suicide and about to embark on a third, you never see the future past that……..

So what happened in those few moments?

So there I am sat on the edge of the bed looking a wreck when before me appeared my beautiful little boy. I cannot to this day fully explain what I was experiencing in those moments, I could feel my heart pounding like it was about to explode, my eyes staring unbelievingly at the vision in from of me. You see, my son was there, but he was not there, not physically there. Call it a vision, a ghost an aperitian, imagination. Call it what you like, but I saw him, the colour of his hair, the colour of his eyes through his uncontrollable tears. The colour of his pyjamas. I could see him in all his beautiful glory, but still he was not physically there.

So what was it that he did that was to change the course of my life and save it. He just stood there, tears streaming down his face and although his eyes were full of tears, those eyes told me everything. His face was only inches from mine and I was looking straight into those loving eyes, those eyes that told me in that moment that this little boy needed his mummy. Told me that I was far from the toxic person In believed I was in his life. Far from the unfit mum I kept telling myself I was. Those eyes took me in and held me with the love only a son can have for his mummy. As I stated at that love, I was given the spark I had been searching for. The spark that gave me the reason to live. The reason to say that’s it enough us enough you and your son deserve s life together.

From that day forward, I took the steps that he inspired me to take to live forward in my life, accept myself for the beautiful woman I am with an undying love for her son that will never fail and gets stronger and deeper every single day.

The inspiration he gave me and continues to give me has allowed me to guide inspire focus and transform other women’s lives who are living with negative life patterns, to take back their control to live the life they truly want to live on their own terms.

A son’s love and devotion to his mother is like no other gift to receive and in turn a mother’s love and devotion for her son is like no other gift to bestow

I thank you my darling son with all my heart, mind and body