I’m one of those take-charge people you like to have around. The one who organizes Girls’ Nights Out, who cracks the whip at work to ensure you make deadlines. I’m altogether…well, all together.

So when my marriage came crashing down around my ears 9 months ago, I was on top of it.

Therapy appointment? Check.

Health checkup? Check.

Apartment hunt? Check.

The next day, my new therapist marveled at how together I was. She did, however, warn me that grieving was part of the process, and that I should let it happen naturally. I think I was busy deciding who would get what furniture in my head when she said that, so maybe it didn’t register.

I did allow myself to grieve. Believe me, I had plenty of fetal-position days. I went through boxes of Kleenex and bottles of wine.

But now it’s been close to a year, and guess what? Those days still come.

I am not a patient person. At all. I’m working on it, but with regards to healing after the demise of my relationship, I’m ready to be well, to be happy.

And I’m not quite there yet.

Healing Schedules are Out of Your Control

As an outsider to the situation, you’re probably thinking, Well, yea, what does she expect? Her 17-year relationship imploded. It’s gonna take a while to heal that sh#%.

Did I mention in addition to being impatient, I am always right, and extremely stubborn? And yet I’ve had to cede control of the situation and put it in the Universe’s hands.

If you’re like me and going through a divorce, or even if you’re years past it and still suffering, let’s learn this lesson together: there is no timeline for healing grief. There is also no control over it.

You — and I, naturally — will have to accept that while most days will be wonderful, there will still be some where we feel aimless and adrift. Where the slightest thing makes us burst into tears. And that this is okay.

Divorce isn’t for the impatient, but let’s do our best to have grace about our grief and let it happen to us rather than trying to rush through it.

Originally published at medium.com