One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn in life is to not believe other people’s story about me. I surely did earlier in life.
Most especially the stories from Narcissists. They really believe their story of you so much they can and often do make such a strong case of it, it can cause us to believe their story over ours.
We start doubting ourselves. Those of us that are into personal development understand mirroring and taking responsibility look inward at ourselves and it can set us up for self-doubt.
We tend to want to grow and because of that we do not automatically dismiss the blame or stories others have of us.
It took me years to stop listening to other’s story about me and only listen to my own story and my own experience and put up that block for other’s stories to put a crack in my self-trust, my self-confidence, and my mental state of being. I felt like I was in a washing machine being twisted and pulled under in the wash cycle. It took me awhile to get the cycle complete and get back to a balanced clear state. I just had to stop!
It was the kindest thing I could have done for myself and my life. Other’s stories are about them. It’s tainted by their own filters and though there might be some truth to it, it is still their perception of it and their projection.
No one’s story of an event, concept or theory is 100% accurate. It’s pieces of their experience with that situation and only part of it. The other part of it is put through filters of past or their conditioned mind.
There is a major difference in “ always being right” mentality and questioning ourselves in order to be authentic and honest. It’s two sides of the spectrum. Either extreme can cause issues. In my case I was always questioning my life, my beliefs and when someone told their story to me and was absolutely certain it was accurate my desire for honesty, authenticity and self-growth turned into a weapon against myself. I allowed others to have power over my self worth, my self confidence. I was thrown back in the washing machine.
I discern now. I know how to believe me first and then consciously look at their story without taking it personally. It’s just information. Like taking notes in a college lecture.
I learned that the people that were the most certain of their stories of me where the ones that projected the most.
In relationships this is huge. We want to trust our partners. We want to believe if they see something about us that it is mostly true. However, that isn’t always the case. Until we understand about projection, true self trust and discernment we will most likely take it to heart too much and allow ourselves to be hurt by it. We can re-injure ourselves.
When my partner tells their story of me, I listen and I also am aware of the filters, the projection and not take it personally. I then take the time to ponder it and really look at it. This might take days or a week. However long it takes for me to understand more clearly what is happening is what I do. It can’t be rushed.
What is more productive is to use it in a construtive way. We can acknowledge our short commings to our partners without making ourselves wrong. We can validate their experience. We can do both! There is no need for “right/wrong”.
I try not to just blame them back or take it in and hurt myself. I have the boundary to not take it to heart too quickly. I learn from it and then let it roll off my shoulders. This is out of self love. This is out of sanity! It’s the most productive way I’ve found to truly grow and live more wholheartedly!