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2:00 AM, July 26, 2017. Holy Lord! What a tidal wave of emotions I am feeling right now. I’m having an emotional breakdown as I await the newest member of our family. It’s 2 AM on the morning we are to meet Benjamin. Why am I crying? How could I feel like this?
I didn’t expect it to feel bittersweet. And yet, as I hear my little miracle sleep next to me, I can’t help but feel like it’s the end of such a special era of our life. The three of us. It’s been so special, bonding, raising, loving this little guy. He was always meant to be, and I know that the wait for our second was meant to take this long because it allowed our time with L to be this incredible. I am afraid of what this change will do to him in the short-term, I am afraid he will feel something was taken rather than added to his life. But we’ll just have to find our way.
Jesus…
And now there will be four. I have so much anxiety, fear that little B will be feeling so scared and lonely tomorrow. The loss he will have, getting pulled out of the only home he knew and pushed into a car to his future. At his age, there is no way he can conceptualize that he will never see his foster “mama” again. I know it’s for the best, but he comes to us without yet understanding how much love we are all gaining because our fates were aligned many, many moons ago. I know that.
But him? He doesn’t get it. He will be walked into some raggedy building tomorrow to meet complete strangers. The strangers that took him from everything he knows. I am freaking out because I AM ALREADY his mom, which means his pain is already my pain. His worries, mine. How will it be?
Tomorrow. 2:30 PM, in twelve hours – a new life. New beginnings and an incredible challenge in the days ahead. I wish we were home and not in a stranger’s AirBnB apartment. But this is how the process works. Tomorrow. We will find the strength… won’t we? We will. We always have. Now, I will try to find my way to some sleep. Writing always helps. Always.