Have you ever stepped into an elevator, quietly avoiding eye contact, convinced you’re happier staying in your own bubble for those few floors? I’ve been there too—on trains, in waiting rooms, at social gatherings. But what if our minds are playing tricks on us, steering us away from happiness instead of toward it?
The Comfort Trap
I’m fascinated by the Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder study called Mistakenly Seeking Solitude. It reveals something remarkable: we regularly underestimate how enjoyable interactions with strangers can actually be. We expect solitude to be the comfortable option, but the reality is, connecting—even briefly—with others significantly boosts our mood.
This research isn’t just something I read about; it’s part of my own social toolkit. At cocktail parties, I’ll often walk up to someone new and ask, “Have you heard about the study that proves talking to strangers is good for us?” Is it nerdy? Absolutely! But it never fails to spark a real conversation—the kind that makes people lean in. It proves exactly what the study suggests: connections make us happier than we predict.
Bold Questions, Real Connection
Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and author of Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg, gave me another practical tool for building stronger connections: the art of asking deep questions. Instead of sticking to superficial small talk, Duhigg suggests diving into meaningful topics.
He explained it beautifully during our chat:
A deep question asks someone about their values, or their beliefs, or their experiences. And that can sound a little bit intimidating, but it’s actually as simple as—if you meet someone who’s a doctor—instead of saying, you know, ‘Oh, what hospital do you work at?’ saying, ‘Oh, what made you decide to become a doctor? What made you go to medical school?’
—Charles Duhigg
That’s a very easy question to ask. But when you ask a question like that, what you’re doing is you’re inviting the other person to tell you who they are. You’re inviting them to say something meaningful.”
Here are a few of my favorite examples that quickly shift a conversation from small talk to meaningful connection:
- “If this five-year period was a chapter in your life, what would the title be?”
- “If we met one year from today, what would we be celebrating?”
- “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”
This shift invites vulnerability and builds trust, creating more authentic and satisfying interactions.
The Good Life Isn’t a Solo Journey
In my conversation with Dr. Robert Waldinger, Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, he emphasized something profound: quality relationships are the greatest predictors of our long-term happiness and health.
One of the most memorable insights he shared was the idea of “social fitness.”
We realized that the best analogy we could think of to doing your relationships well throughout your life was an analogy with physical fitness. With physical fitness, we go and exercise, and then you don’t come home and say, “Good. I’m done. I don’t ever have to do that again.”
—Robert Waldinger
We think of it as an ongoing practice. And what we found with the people in our study who seem to have the strongest social networks and the best relationships was that they kept at it. It was a practice for them.
And so, social fitness was a way to signal this is something you want to do every day, every week—small actions, just to keep contact with the people you care about and to strengthen the connections you have with the people who are most important to you.
Bridging Expectation and Reality
If connecting with others brings such joy, why do we resist it? According to Epley and Schroeder, it boils down to a mistaken belief that others aren’t interested. Yet the evidence consistently shows that people are far more open to connection than we realize.
So, how do we move past that hesitation? It starts with intention. Take Duhigg’s advice to heart and lead conversations with thoughtful, deeper questions. Pair this with Waldinger’s wisdom: nurture your connections consistently, knowing they’re foundational to our happiness and health.
Making Connection a Daily Choice
Choosing connection doesn’t have to be complicated—it’s about small, intentional actions. Next time you’re tempted to retreat into your own world, challenge yourself to engage instead. You’re also welcome to borrow my favorite conversation starter—just ask someone if they’ve heard about the study that proves talking to strangers makes us happier.
I know firsthand how powerful this practice can be. Those initial moments of discomfort at cocktail parties quickly turn into rewarding conversations and joyful interactions, proving once again that our minds sometimes steer us wrong. But we’re not stuck. Knowing better, we can choose better—and keep choosing connection.
Your Turn
Here’s my challenge for you: start one meaningful conversation today. Notice how it shifts your mood, brightens your perspective, and deepens your sense of connection. Trust me, the joy you’ll experience will surprise you in the best possible way.
In Bold Gratitude,
Lainie
Photo Credit: RDNE Stock project