overcoming grief

My husband and I have been together for nine years, married for four and in 2018 after our second year of marriage, we were officially ready to become parents – such an exciting time in our lives!

Prior to our plans to begin conceiving, I had already had two early miscarriages; though this didn’t bother us too much as it was so early on in the pregnancies, we didn’t even realise what had happened until after it did.

Once we decided it was time, I really started taking better care of my body; having PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), I knew conceiving was going to be more difficult so I had to take action. I started doing yoga, eating healthier, walking and BOOM! I fell pregnant! It was all so exciting, we waited a few days and decided to tell our parents because keeping our little secret was just too much to bear. And lucky we did.

A week later I started feeling really sick and after going back and forth to the doctor, it turned out I had an ectopic pregnancy, which is life threatening.

Getting over the emergency surgery and loss of pregnancy was itself quite difficult and I felt like a failure to myself as a woman and to my husband who was beyond excited to start a family. Of course he was 150% supportive during my healing process; he cared more about my health than anything else. At this point, we decided to take a break from baby-making and a few months later we were ready again.

This time, everything seemed to go well, I made it past 7 weeks this time and noticed some of the amazing changes my body began to go through.

We went for our first ultrasound check up and I should’ve been about 9 weeks at the time and we were in for a surprise. Twins! Though they were actually only 7 weeks, we could already see a bit of movement. Our hearts stopped for a second, panic set in and then all-round excitement for such a beautiful surprise.

I was set for a routine check up the following week to hear the heartbeats, but all we saw was a blank screen and no heartbeats. Nothing. Again, I felt like I had done something wrong, like I had failed again. What did I do to deserve this??? I felt the unfairness of it all, how was it possible for someone who wanted children so badly, to fail at it? How was it possible all my friends were able to conceive so easily without even trying?

My head was full of questions and not many answers.

During my healing process at home two weeks after all this had happened, I was alone as my husband was away travelling for work. It was the most difficult time in my life, but also the most pivotal. I realised that my worth as a woman was not defined by my ability to produce children. I could be a mother in spite of what my body dictated. I realised what was important in my life, what I wanted and that taking care of myself in every sphere of my life – physical and emotional wellbeing – was of utmost importance.

It still hurts sometimes when I think about what could’ve been, but it’s important to realise that everything happens for a reason, whether you believe in God or a higher power and if it was meant to be, it would’ve.

Now I live by this mantra: life happens FOR you, NOT TO you. So stay strong girl, you got this!