It’s 2am and I cannot sleep. Every sound I hear wracks my mind with suspicion, worry and fear.
A door opens…who in the world is in my house???
Voices murmur in the room across the hall…how many people are here???
The breezy rush of cars passing by drifts down the corridor…why is front door open???
Terror grips me as I fight to stay in control and I hear myself whisper “Is someone here?”-too paralyzed to call out, too petrified to look…my husband drowsily answers that his son is staying the night.
(At 2am? Who else is with him? He’s not alone. Why wasn’t I told earlier?)
More sounds: doors opening and closing, the lock on the front door clicks, the creak of bedsprings…
My anxiety has a small victory…I cannot go back to sleep…Silently, I slip out of bed and brew a pot of coffee. I have to be up for work in a couple hours-my day is starting earlier than I planned…will I ever be able to nonchalantly dismiss these fears that constantly plague me?
I feel ridiculous as I realize I’m shaking and tears are sliding down my cheeks and angrily I open my prescription bottle. (Why can’t i be normal? Why do I have to take medicine to keep my poisonous thoughts from infecting my daily life?)
“Believe in yourself…” the words catch my eye as I pour a cup of coffee…
(you’ve got this, Jenny…believe in yourself”.)
Each morning I write myself an encouraging note. This one is working into overtime.
“Believe in yourself…”
Those words makes me smile. They give me courage. I curl up on the living room couch and open a book.
My terror has subsided, the tumultuous thoughts have dissipated…
I do believe in myself.