Powerful Pain

It was the day my world died, but my music came alive.

It feels like it happened yesterday, because the pain is so severe. It’s like when you burn your hand on the stove. It’s still flaming hot and the pain isn’t subsiding, it’s getting stronger.

Simultaneously, it feels like 10 years, instead of a year and a half. It’s been an eternity since I saw my soul mate.

And yet, I am grateful. I am thankful grandma moved on to be with Jesus.

Grandma leaving on my 9 year sobriety birthday felt like God opening my eyes. Grandma left so that I could finally wake up to my purpose.

Music moves me. Until grandma went to her mansion, I was struggling to breathe under water. I’ve finally come to the surface. If you told me to stop singing, dancing and listening to music, it’d be like saying “Liberty, stop breathing”. Music is what I was born to do. I feel most like myself when I am singing, dancing or just listening to music. I am not myself without it.

Grandma arrived in heaven so I could “arrive” at my true self. I had to let go of her so I could hold on to something else. The dream seems more real when you have more reasons to pursue it. I must show my family the way.

The day grandma went home, I put my headphones on and didn’t take them off for days, even when I slept and ate. Constantly binging on music like TobyMac helped mask my pain.

My music is my medicine. Helping other people with it, and seeing them smile, giving them energy, it’s what fuels me for my mission.

I live by Mark Twain’s motto “If you want to be happy, go make other people happy”.

My mama loves my music and it has brought us together and makes her smile since grandma left us. Anything to make mama smile.

I had flashbacks of all the things people have said to me over the years. “I love it when you sing and dance.” “I love your music.” “You make me happy.” “You give me energy.” “I love you.” I’ve heard this for years. I wasn’t singing and dancing to get people’s attention. I didn’t even care if I was good. I no longer have the luxury of caring what people think of my singing & dancing. I let my inhibitions around singing and dancing out loud go because it hurt too much to stifle myself and keep it in any longer. I love music too much. It makes me feel good. I am freer now because I did it. Since I don’t have a home so I can sing in my “private studio” (like a living room), I sing and dance just about everywhere I am now. I do all my YouTube cover songs outside.

Grandma, my mama, and Aunt Kathy gave me my love of music. They introduced me to the strongest drugs; The Beatles, The Monkees, Broadway Musicals, Tom Jones, Hank Williams, Guns N Roses, Billy Joel, all the Motown groups like The Temptations and Four Tops, Frank Sinatra, Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn, Garth Brooks, Elvis, Johnny Cash, Queen and so many more. Grandma had a song for everything! She was always singing. Some of our best times are singing in the car, dancing in her living room, or while cooking in the kitchen.

My old friend, Stephen said “What do you love to do?” and “How can you glorify God with it?”
Desire comes from the Greek: “de Seiro” and means “from God” so if you have a burning desire to do something, do it! God put that desire inside of you so that you can prosper from it by using it to help others.

The first time I performed on stage, it was a rush. It was like nothing I ever felt before. No drug I’ve done was ever that strong! When I got a standing ovation, I still didn’t believe in my musical gifts. I didn’t believe how much people really enjoyed my performances.

I used to be afraid of the fans. I guess I was afraid they were staring because they wanted to say something negative about it.

Now, I embrace the fans. I thank them for their support. I appreciate their love. It makes me feel good, like I’m making a difference. Like I’m changing lives.

The more I acknowledge my musical gifts, the better I become and the more often people tell me how happy I make them and how much they love me.

I still have some slight insecurities. But I keep going knowing what grandma said is true. “You can do anything you want to do if you want to do it badly enough. If you don’t you’ll find and excuse.” (Jim Rohn said this also.)