False Belief:
A successful stay-at-home mother is a Supermom.
New Narrative:
Success isn’t doing everything or winning at domestic labor. Success means focusing on the areas of greatest value to me as an individual. I get to determine what matters to my family and me.
At twenty- four years old, I was named the first digital strategist at one of the largest advertising agencies in Boston and moved from the open bullpen to a windowed corner on the thirty fourth floor, with sweeping views of the harbor. Sitting there meant everything to me. It felt like the ultimate professional status symbol. I barely noticed that the promotion had also come with sacrifices. I kept toiletries and a spare set of clothes in my filing cabinet for all- nighters—a signal to company leadership that I was more committed to our clients than anyone else. On most days, I managed to take a car service home sometime after nine p.m. and eke out a few hours of sleep in my bed. (Submitting receipts for after- hours taxis was another way to prove my value.) Like many corporations in America, mine conducted annual employee performance appraisals capped with formal goalsetting exercises. Every spring, I would trot over to a row of modern orange swivel chairs at the opposite end of the thirty- fourth floor and chat with my boss. He and I would discuss professional benchmarks of success—clients I had won, skills I had learned— and what I could be doing to help even more. In truth, the whole endeavor felt like a charade. Every phrase I uttered was a disguised way of saying, “I’d like to keep my office, and I’m ready for a title bump, please.” At work, goal setting is often a sycophantic exercise aimed at attaining surface- level rewards, most of which benefit the larger organization more than they benefit you. In parenthood, I’ve found that the process is the exact opposite. Setting goals for motherhood is deep, complex, life- altering work. You must be your most authentic and honest self because that’s who you report to now. Parenthood is a powerful opportunity to reacquaint yourself with how you derive joy and meaning from life, and to ask, One day, when I look back on this time, what do I hope to see and feel? I’ve come to love the mental work involved in answering this question, even with its challenges. I think you will too.
Why Do Stay-at-Home Mothers Need Concrete Goals?
In my first year at home with my son, I didn’t put pen to paper to crystallize my aspirations. Instead, as I observed myself through the ups and downs of nap times and diaper changes, outings, and early mornings, I casually mulled over what I wanted to get out of this period and how I wanted to grow. After I put my son to sleep and looked back on the photos and videos from each day, I’d smile at his images and stop to look at the ones of me. I noticed that I looked different—natural, playful, and a little messy. I didn’t know what I wanted to do next. I could only articulate that I wanted more of that person in the videos. Over the years, I’ve chatted with hundreds of successful career women about their transitions to stay-at-home motherhood. Most have shared a similar desire to discover themselves in the first months rather than actively focus on goals. Executive leadership coach Megan Martin Strickland explains that for many women leaving stressful jobs, the only choice at first is to recover from burnout. Plus, formulating a written goal may feel like corporate office work, which is probably the last thing you want to do. “When I quit to be with my first kid, I needed a few months just to be,” she tells me. You may be downshifting or pausing your career because your child needs more attention, and you just can’t make the juggle work anymore. You may have been laid off and feel a sense of disappointment and shock. You may have stopped working to tend to an ill family member or process the loss of a loved one. You may have simply hit your breaking point, no longer able to smile through a toxic corporate climate or deal with a demanding boss.
Psychologists and career coaches agree that recovery is an essential first step if you’re entering this phase in a state of grief, exhaustion, or trauma. The trick is to notice when you start to feel better—and to change your mindset consciously. While many mothers have told me that they couldn’t set goals initially, they have also said that they regret “floating” without meaningful goals for too long. In the end, most moms realize that they could have gotten over mental blocks faster, and moved with greater confidence and joy, had they done this inner work. The benefits of goal setting extend far beyond productivity (though yes, writing your goals makes you 42 percent more likely to accomplish them). Early thought leaders in the field—Edwin Locke, an American psychologist and professor emeritus at the Robert H. Smith School of Business at the University of Maryland, College Park, and Gary Latham, former president of the Canadian Psychological Association (CPA) and professor of organizational behavior at the University of Toronto— spent decades proving a link between setting vivid goals and achieving “higher motivation, self- esteem, self- confidence, and autonomy.” Time and again, studies have also suggested that during periods of anxiety, maintaining a purpose that transcends the stress of any given moment can reinstate a feeling of control. And making progress toward goals has been linked with increased feelings of hopefulness, accomplishment, excitement, and confidence. Although research is scarce on the impact of goal setting in stayat-home motherhood, several studies suggest that personal goals—also known as “self- concordant goals” or “want-to goals”— tend to be more potent than goals that serve an external stakeholder, like an employer or a school. Even though want-to goals may require serious effort, we typically perceive them as having inherent ease, which makes us more likely to stick with the process.
Perhaps most importantly, when you deliberately set goals, you respect your choice and your time. Goals are a reminder that your growth at home is just as significant as your growth in your paid career, and that your family’s future merits as much consideration as the future of your former organization. In the difficult days of motherhood—when your children ricochet from one tantrum to the next, messes pile up endlessly in your living room, and no one sleeps at night—you can return to your larger vision and put the struggles in perspective. Time is not evaporating as your kids do the vital work of growing up. This is your life too, and your goals can constantly remind you that you are not “stuck” in stay-at-home motherhood. Instead, you are evolving into the person you want to be. Strickland says that you’ll know it’s time to be more intentional when you notice yourself questioning the legitimacy of how you’re spending your time. Contrary to what many people think, a feeling of listlessness is not a sign that you’ve made a mistake in leaning into parenthood. Ambivalence is part of motherhood for just about everyone, and stepping into primary parenthood after a robust career often involves mixed emotions, even for those who choose it willingly. I like to think of that questioning feeling like ambition tapping you on the shoulder, asking, “No rush, but where to next?” Goals are guardrails to keep ambivalence from overwhelming you and to let intent take charge again. They enable you to repackage your worries about stagnation and accept the life choice you made with clarity. In the irreverent 2016 book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life, author Mark Manson explains that “giving up a value you’ve depended on for years is going to feel disorienting.” Finding new metrics to guide your decision-making is the best and only way to combat that feeling.
