You suffer when you deny what you already know on the inside.
For me, the last week in particular I’ve felt super funky energy, really tired and what I know nowadays is resistance. I feel it in my chest. And in my head.
I don’t know why I’m so masterful at resisting whatever is going on. No, that’s not true. I do know.
I’m scared the answers that come out will not be what I want to hear even though they’re my truth.
I’m scared that maybe I will need to pivot in my journey and I will feel like I’ve been wrong or wasting time.
I’m scared to really fully embrace the changes as I become more of who I am and the changes that will bring in my life from friendships, to routines and how I spend my time, the things I own and have around me, and how I see myself in the new light.
There was a time I would have berated myself for being in this place. This sense of unease. It’s like when my dog can’t find a comfy place to lie down and does several circles in his bed never feeling quite like it’s the right spot.
But I’ve learned so much the last few years that I know this:
I MUST keep going. I must allow myself the space to uncover this next, deeper layer of truth. There lies my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, no matter the havoc it might seem to create.
There is only ever truth.
Denying it means I will stay as I am and I will suffer because I didn’t let my soul speak. It’s how I ended up depressed and anxious; denying my soul speaking up.
It’s like slamming the door shut in someone’s face as they’re telling you something really vulnerable. It’s so stunning and jarring that it shuts down in totality that part of you from shame and complete rejection.
So I must allow it.
I must also allow it for another reason.
These moments are not about falling apart. It’s not about imploding or self combustion; destroying what I have and who I am NOW.
It’s up-leveling. It’s peeling back another layer, like a game of pass the parcel, where the treasure is deep inside but you don’t know how many layers there are til you find it.
These moments are not about anything negative but we feel like they are. I’m already judging myself – for resisting, for not knowing whatever information I’ll uncover, for not being a better person further along in my journey sooner…
That self judgement is where we do so much damage.
That we’re not worthy.
Not good enough.
Not experienced enough.
Not capable.
Too …… young / old / poor / set in our ways
WE do that to ourselves.
WE put that judgement on ourselves.
Most other people are going about their own shift, their own life.
It’s up to us to end our own suffering and allow our souls to speak up and guide us.
To hear what we need to hear to step into alignment so that we can get into flow.
To me, this is our life’s work.
Originally published at annmariesosnowski.com