You can feel it before you even realize it: the quickened heartbeat, the flushed face, the frustration that can leave you at a loss for words. All it takes is a mention of politics, whether in the news or over coffee with a friend.
We are living through one of the most divided – and uncivil – periods in modern history. Political rifts have split families, scorched friendships, and stalled solutions on everything from health care to the economy. A recent Pew study found that 40% of registered voters don’t have a single close friend who supports a different presidential candidate. And when asked to describe politics, most of us reach for words like “divisive,” “corrupt,” and “messy.”
This polarization isn’t just bad for our democracy — it’s bad for our relationships and even our health. Large majorities of Americans say they are exhausted by political stress. And with public health experts warning of an epidemic of loneliness, can we really afford to write off half the country?
The old adage “no politics at the dinner table” has never felt more necessary.
But does it have to be this way?
For the past 10 years, I’ve led a nonpartisan, nonprofit called United WE that is dedicated to advancing women’s economic and civic leadership – often in places not typically seen as friendly to causes like gender parity. We’ve helped Republicans and Democrats come together to make real progress on shared priorities, from expanding child care access to helping small businesses thrive.
But we’ve also heard from countless women who are reluctant to get involved in public service because of how divisive and toxic the public discourse has become.
Now more than ever – for the sake of our democracy and our personal well-being, we need to find a way to restore civility in our politics, and our daily lives.
I’ve learned that one reason for the lack of civility isn’t that we disagree, it’s that we’ve forgotten how to listen.
Listening is even more essential when tensions are high, because it creates the space for understanding. And truly listening requires breaking old habits and relearning how to communicate.
Here are some tools I use to listen more effectively:
- Listen to understand, not to respond. If you’re focused on what you’ll say next, you’ll miss what’s being said now. Resist the urge to interrupt.
- Be curious, not appraising. Quiet the part of your mind that is tempted to judge or label. Instead, ask open-ended questions and listen for details that challenge your assumptions.
- Practice empathy. I recently heard about someone who struggled with road rage and learned to imagine that the driver who cut them off was their elderly mother. It changed their entire outlook. Recognizing our shared humanity – and keeping that humanity at the center of the conversation – is a proven strategy United WE has used time and again to help light the path toward practical solutions, rather than partisanship.
- Assume positive intent. One of the most corrosive aspects of our “us vs. them” politics is that it breeds distrust. Believing the best about others often brings out the best in them…and the best in us.
Civility is not passivity. In fact, it’s what allows for healthy debate — and keeps us from walking away from the table entirely.
The same habits that improve our personal relationships and mental health can also strengthen our democracy. And maybe, just maybe, if we start listening more generously, we’ll find that politics isn’t something we have to avoid at the dinner table – it’s something that can satisfy our hunger for meaningful connection.