When men are cut off from their feelings, they’re not just disconnected from others—they’re disconnected from themselves.
– Dr Gloria K. Vanderhorst
If boys are taught to hide their emotions, how do we expect them to grow into men who can love, lead, and connect?” That question sits at the center of a longstanding cultural script—one that continues to shape how boys are raised and how men relate to themselves and others.
In a recent interview, psychologist Dr. Gloria K. Vanderhorst—who has spent more than five decades working with children, couples, and families—described this pattern not as accidental, but as deeply ingrained and historically reinforced. From early childhood, many boys receive explicit and implicit messages that emotional expression is unacceptable. Phrases like “boys don’t cry” are not just clichés; they function as early training in emotional suppression.
The result is a narrow emotional range—one that prioritizes control and discourages vulnerability.
The Historical Roots of Emotional Suppression
The expectation that men remain stoic did not emerge in a vacuum. As Dr. Vanderhorst notes, it once served a functional purpose. In earlier eras—particularly during times of frequent warfare—emotional suppression was seen as adaptive. Men were expected to fight, endure, and survive under extreme conditions.
But the context has changed. Modern conflict rarely involves hand-to-hand combat or mass mobilization of soldiers in the same way. Yet the emotional norms built for those conditions persist.
“What was once adaptive is no longer necessary,” Dr. Vanderhorst suggests. And yet, the cultural lag remains—leaving many men with outdated emotional tools for navigating contemporary life.
The Cost of Emotional Disconnection
The consequences of this emotional restriction are not abstract. They show up in relationships, mental health, and patterns of isolation.
When boys grow into men without a language for their internal experiences, they may struggle to form deep connections. Emotional expression—particularly sadness, fear, or tenderness—can feel foreign or even threatening. In intimate relationships, this often manifests as withdrawal, frustration, or misdirected anger when emotional situations arise.
More concerning is the link between emotional suppression and mental health outcomes. Without safe outlets for processing feelings, distress can become internalized. Dr. Vanderhorst points to isolation as a critical risk factor: humans are wired for connection, and when that connection is absent, the psychological toll can be severe.
The inability to express emotion is not a sign of strength—it can be a barrier to survival.
Emotional Expression as a Path to Connection
Contrary to cultural assumptions, emotional expression is not a liability. It is a mechanism for connection.
Tears, vulnerability, and shared emotional experiences are signals that invite closeness. When these signals are suppressed, the opposite occurs: distance. A controlled, emotionally guarded demeanor may communicate self-sufficiency, but it also discourages intimacy.
Importantly, this dynamic affects not only men but also those around them. Many women, Dr. Vanderhorst notes, have internalized similar messages about male emotional expression. Even when they say they want emotionally open partners, they may feel discomfort when confronted with male vulnerability—a reflection of the same cultural conditioning.
Expanding the Emotional Vocabulary
If emotional restriction begins early, intervention can as well. One of the most practical strategies Dr. Vanderhorst сунушs is deceptively simple: expand the emotional vocabulary.
Boys are often limited to a narrow set of acceptable feelings—primarily anger or frustration. Words like “sad,” “hurt,” “afraid,” or “needy” are rarely encouraged. Over time, this limits not only expression but awareness.
Introducing a broader range of emotional language—through tools like feeling charts or everyday conversations—can help children identify and articulate what they experience internally. The brain, Dr. Vanderhorst explains, is capable of making these connections; it simply needs the language to do so.
This shift does not require formal therapy. It begins at the kitchen table, in daily interactions, and in the willingness to name emotions without judgment.
The Role of Modeling and Environment
Children learn not only through instruction, but through observation. When fathers and male role models demonstrate emotional awareness and expression, they provide a template for what is possible.
Historically, limited interaction between fathers and children reduced these opportunities. Today, while time together has increased, it is often fragmented by overscheduled routines and competing demands. Dr. Vanderhorst emphasizes the importance of intentional, shared time—however brief—as a space for emotional exchange.
Without these moments, emotional development can remain theoretical rather than lived.
Technology and the New Barrier to Connection
If emotional suppression is one barrier, technology may be another.
Dr. Vanderhorst identifies smartphones and digital devices as a growing challenge to emotional development. These tools, while convenient, can displace face-to-face interaction—the primary medium through which emotional cues are learned and understood.
Communication through screens strips away much of what makes connection meaningful: facial expression, tone, body language. Even when people are physically together, attention is often directed elsewhere.
Over time, this can reduce both the opportunity and the skill for emotional engagement.
Repair Over Perfection
For parents and caregivers who recognize these patterns in hindsight, the message is not one of blame. Mistakes are inevitable; what matters is repair.
Connection can be rebuilt through acknowledgment, openness, and a willingness to engage differently. Emotional growth is not a fixed trait—it remains accessible across the lifespan.
As Dr. Vanderhorst frames it, the goal is not to eliminate errors, but to respond to them in ways that restore connection rather than deepen distance.
A Cultural Shift in Progress
There are signs of change. Younger generations, particularly adolescents, appear more willing to explore and discuss their emotional lives. What was once taboo is becoming more visible—if not yet fully normalized.
Still, the transition is incomplete. Cultural narratives around masculinity continue to exert pressure, and progress remains uneven.
The question, then, is not whether change is possible, but how intentionally it will be pursued. Raising emotionally healthy boys—and supporting emotionally whole men—requires more than awareness. It calls for a sustained reexamination of what strength, connection, and humanity look like in practice.
