One of the most powerful questions I ask my clients is: ‘What do you want?’ And 99% of the answers start with: ‘I don’t want … to feel stressed, overwhelmed, my boss/ co-workers crossing my boundaries… ‘ And I have to say it again: ‘But what DO you want?’ Which is often followed by a silence.
But I keep insisting, offering examples, just as long as need to result in statements like: ‘I would feel …. and I would do … and I also would say to myself …’ ⠀
Then I ask the next question: ‘How does it feel to think in detail about what you DO want? ⠀
And again, 99% of the times I get an answer similar to: ‘It feels weird, like it seems too good to be true.’⠀
The subconscious mind, the part of our consciousness that dominates most behavior, always wants to go back to what is familiar. And if negative self talk, overstepping our own limits, fearing rejection is what we know, that is what we will go back to, time and again. It will be our default mode. We believe what we know, so we will never break free from destructive mental habits, until we change what we believe!
As Marianne Williamson said: “Our deepest fear is not to be inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous.”
So we say to ourselves: “No, that can’t be right. I’m just not ready yet.” We might get to the door of our boss’ office with the intention to confront an issue, and then turn around. But once we get the trick that our subconscious mind is playing us, resisting newness, we might understand that the only solution is to see awkwardness as a good thing: it’s a sign of friction, and friction is progress!