So many children are suffering today from the hidden epidemic of neglect. With parents busy schedules and trying to make ends meet, it’s not a surprise that children are emotionally neglected and the residue and long-term consequences can be life altering. The fear of abandonment that lingers well into adult hood can seriously affect the choices that are made when selecting a partner and SHERO Melanie Tonia Evans explains exactly how crippling the symptoms can be. She has totally transformed her life today but the journey wasn’t easy.
Me: What was life like Melanie growing up?
Melanie: My family was traditional in a lot of ways. Dad was the patriarch and my Mom served him, they had their gender roles. They were very busy, hard working Australian parents raising 2 children; they were very focused on bringing us up as smart, capable, and successful people. So to try to gain their attention and love it felt very conditional, I believed I was only lovable if I achieved, so I became an over achiever. My father was not a soft gentle man, he was hard and strict, and so I couldn’t go to him for empathy or comfort. I suppressed the feminine side of myself; it was get on, get over it, and don’t be weak. My mother also taught me that females don’t have rights; if a man tells you to do something you do it. So I was very masculine in my presence and didn’t have rights, a voice, or an opinion. So as a teenager going into relationships I was attracted to men that were very strong, and would see my capabilities, making the relationship conditional. I really became unimportant and felt like I had to shrink and hide, I wasn’t free to be myself. It was a very confusing time.
Me: What age were you when you started dating and how were your relationships?
Melanie: I was about 17 when I had my first serious boyfriend. He was lovely in many ways but yet he was jealous, controlling, and possessive. He mirrored my father’s behavior with my mother in the sense that love had to revolve around him. So that was my normal coding and the relationships became worse and worse over time. If I would have met someone who gave me my space I would have internalized it as, you don’t love me, you’re not into me, and you don’t care about me. I later found out that I was terrified of being abandoned since I was left as a child without the ability to self soothe. Men texting me 20 times a day meant that I didn’t have to face that terror of abandonment. Since this was my internal dialogue I became very addictive at a young age as well.
Me: When did things really start to take a dark turn in your life?
Melanie: I started smoking at the age of 15 and that became a heavy addiction, by the time I was 40 I was up to smoking 70 cigarettes per day. That’s how bad the addiction was. Cigarettes weren’t the problem though it was the deep trauma that I was trying to medicate with the smoking and numb the pain. I would wake up in the middle of the night and feel like I was breathing through a straw and the trauma was so great that I would go outside and have a cigarette at 2:00 in the morning. If I went a half hour without a cigarette I would be in tears. I also drank and that was a big addiction for me as well, I was a functioning codependent and over compulsive obsessive person. There was always crisis consciousness happening in my life that I had to get things done. If I don’t cross the I and dot the t my whole world could blow up. So I couldn’t shut down, there were 10 people talking in my head constantly, that’s why I drank, it would shut that chatter up. I started drinking at the age of 15 and by the time I was 21 I was drinking everyday, I was a highly functioning alcoholic holding important positions, but I was low level drunk often and sometimes drank heavily at night until I couldn’t function.
Me: What age were you when you got into your first long-term serious relationship?
Melanie: My first serious relationship was when I was in my 20s. There was a time when I was 22 and drinking heavily. I went on a trip to Bali with some friends, was drinking, got really sick, came back for a scan and found out I was pregnant, I ended up giving birth to my son. I was the most unlikely mother on the planet. His father and I had a very dysfunctional relationship we were both immature and jealous. We were engaged to be married and broke up when our son Zac was 2.
Me: So you were 25 when you left Zac’s Dad and you were still self-medicating with addictions, how did that affect your judgment with future relationships?
Melanie: I had done a lot of spiritual work on myself up until the age of 34 when I met my husband. I thought I was done working on myself and all was good. I believed I had my addictions under control. I had been living on my own for quite some time and synchronisticly he came into my life. The first time I met him I felt a dark energy and then he turned on the charm and what I wanted to hear and see. I had never been married before and took my time previously with men. But this guy captivated my attention; we got engaged in 6 weeks and married within 4 months. I was in a whirlwind of a love bomb; he felt like the most spiritual and loving man.
Me: When did the relationship take a turn?
Melanie: There were rages and out of control behaviors along the way but I was so infatuated with him I justified it away. Three days before we got married I did a presentation for a company I had been working with, I was well received by the audience and then I left, got into the car and my fiancé ripped me to shreds. He verbally abused me, it was horrific, I was in tears and he kept going. I thought, “What is this monster?” I had never been with a narcissist before. So later that day I was in the bathroom and I prayed to God, “If I am meant to marry this man give me a sign” and the door moved all by itself, which was impossible, so I married him. Within a short time say within a few days, the mask fell completely. He was a pathological liar and a con man; he falsified a cancer condition, which didn’t exist. He said he had a melanoma cancer that had spread to his organs and he was stage 3, he was falsifying doctor reports and self-injecting he said for the cancer and it later turned out to be for an erectile dysfunction. He was porn addicted which I didn’t realize at the time. The amount of control and jealousy was insane. If I was held up for 5 minutes in a grocery store he would be in such a rage and so physically violent. There was sexual and physical abuse, as well as stalking, I escaped a few times, I lived with security systems because he would break in through the roof and stand at the edge of my bed. I would stay with friends and he would threaten them and I ended up on the streets time and time again. This of course was towards the end when I had enough.
Me: So you were together for 6 weeks and got engaged. How did you meet and why did you proceed despite the sign of the door moving when you prayed, the fact that the abusive signs were there why did you marry and take on such a commitment?
Melanie: I met him through his sister who was my friend. I had so much of my unhealed trauma, wounds, and old beliefs that were still in the mix so my judgment was cloudy. I was still the person who was hard on myself and conditionally loving despite all of the spiritual work I had done. I still didn’t feel good enough, that part wasn’t healed; I didn’t love or approve of myself. With a narcissist you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don’t. You never do anything right. So all of those projections and conditions were there and because I didn’t have my whole identity I was hooking into him which is the trauma bonding and I was trying to get him to see a version of me that I wanted, to feel whole, loved and approved of.
Me: What was the moment that became the “it” factor for the relationship to end?
Melanie: There were so many but I distinctly remember walking through the door and getting back handed across the face because he thought I had been with a man. There were times when he would have a jealous outburst and I would end up on the bed with his hands around my neck and he was threatening to strangle me. There was a time when he came at me to hit me and I grabbed a knife and said, “If you take another step towards me I’m going to put it through you.” I remember turning the knife around and I was super close to impaling it on myself. That’s how much things had built up and I was done. That’s how broken I was, I dropped the knife ran out onto the back lawn, hit the ground and I cried all night; he left me there. I thought, “What have I just done, I almost committed a murder and suicide.”
Me: How many years were you married and how did all of this affect your son Zac?
Melanie: We were married for a total of 5 years. Zac was 10 at the time and 15 years old when we left. He was observing everything, and there was a horrible incident that happened towards the end. I came home and said, “We have to go.” Things had escalated so badly, I was packing things and trying to get Zac to get his computer and other things because my husband would take stuff, disable cars and all kinds of crazy things. So I’m upstairs, my husband comes home he’s ranting and raving and he takes my son, throws him up against the wall and started threatening that he was going to hit him. I had a bag of perfumes in my hand and I belted him as hard as I could across the head to try and get him off my son. He turned around, grabbed me, pushed me down the stairs backwards by my throat and threw me face first down the driveway. My son was trying to grab my feet to stop him. There was lots of violence. I ended up getting charged with assault because he rang the police, had an egg on his head from the perfume hit, cleaned up everything he had smashed, took the keys and locked us both out of the house. I got an intervention put on me and a 6-month good behavior bond; Zac was catatonic and couldn’t even speak. What he went through was horrific. Zac got into drugs and became self-destructive. Which became a whole other healing journey.
Me: What happened to your husband?
Melanie: When Zac was in his healing journey I took back my husband and saw him behind everyone’s back like a drug addict. I was still hooked on him, it was insane. I was 39 at the time and I saw him off and on behind closed doors for about 6 months. There was no real defining moment of when I ended it and held strong to a no contact other than the complete and total insanity of the cycle. He got everything and I walked away, it was the only way to end it all. I went 1 year with no contact and then I caved. I was every day white knuckling trying to stay away from him; I had severe complicated PTSD that I was trying to heal and was on and off anti-depressants. I had major anxiety and depression and lowered social ability, I wasn’t well and pretty much a hermit. I got a terrible flu after 1 year, had a low moment and a gut feeling that he was on a dating site so I checked it and there he was. I rang him out of horror and pain and he spoke to me, “I still love you and I want to meet up with you.” We met and he laid down these insane laws and necessities to be in a relationship with me and I felt so hooked and addicted, full of pain and shame for capitulating. I went straight back into the relationship and felt more terrorized then I ever felt before. I had a reiki work shop at my business and I was catering the food, I drove there a mess. Upon delivering the food there were so many people talking to me, this caused me to go into an internal panic. Then I was on the roof watching myself from the ceiling. I got out of there and walked down the stairs and a part of me was out of my body watching me walk down those stairs. I got into the car, got back into my body and had all of the visions of me being smashed into a tree, an eye hanging out and blood everywhere. I thought, “This is it.” At the time I had been seeing a personality disorder specialist. Financially I was destroyed, all of my money was going on credit cards as I was trying to survive but I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was 87 pounds and could barely eat, my hair was falling out and I was not well.
I got home and the visions hadn’t stopped so I rang a friend and said, “I’ve lost my mind.” She came and drove me to the emergency room and they diagnosed me with a complete psychotic and adrenal break down. They tested my adrenals and said, “you could have a heart attack or stroke at any minute.” They said I would never come back to normal even with anti psychotic meds and that I may require possible institutionalization. I went home that night and I wanted to kill myself. I thought, “My son can’t see me like this.” Zac had already ostracized himself from me anyways. He spent most of his time at his grandparents. I only had 1 person left in my life, I lost my health and my business was in ruins. I remember I was lying on my bed and had been given a Valium shot, and I thought, “How am I going to kill myself in the softest way for everyone?” Then this voice in my head kept saying, “No there is another way!” I walked into my bathroom, hit the floor, put my hands in the air and said, “Help me, I can’t do this, I’m done!” Then I had a moment where it was like my head parted, it was mind blowing. I knew with crystal clarity what the last 6 years had been about. It wasn’t about my ex husband, it was about all of my traumas and I had to go through this for my traumas and unhealed wounds to present themselves. I was also catapulted into the future and had this vision of how I am today, thriving, vibrant, and healthy, no pain, and feeling whole and one with everything else. These were feelings that I had never felt before. I was told in the vision, “that’s you in your future,” I snapped back into my body and the voice said, “are you going to accept this mission or not because that is who you can be if you do!” With all of my heart I accepted the mission. I knew my healing had to be from the inside out. My ex suddenly became irrelevant and I went into complete no contact, I threw my phone out in the garbage and that was it. I talked the specialist out of antipsychotic meds, which was a miracle. It was like the Universe was leaving love letters everywhere.
Me: What steps did you take to heal?
Melanie: I came across subconscious healing modalities. I learned that my ex was the catalyst to make my subconscious, conscious. I stumbled across kinesiology, theta healing, body coding, EFT, EMDR; I did the works. I ended up training in kinesiology and theta healing and I became a practitioner curing complicated PTSD. I practiced deep breathing and positive affirmations. Despite all of this though there were still residues and I had acrophobia because my ex was very stalking; he would turn up randomly in public places. I remember I had a friend in Thailand and she asked me to come visit, I pushed through the acrophobia, traveled and collapsed in her arms when I got there. But throughout my time there, I uncovered quantum freedom healing, a profound healing system, incorporating theta brain-wave healing, kinesiology and past-life holographic healing which kicked off my business and lead me to develop a program that has healed tons of people around the world. Quantum Freedom Healing isn’t me; I’m just a channel for the healing modality. It was at this point that my life transformed forever. I used Quantum Freedom Healing, and I completely let go of the outcome. I did work on proxy through my body to heal Zac of his traumas. That day Zac reconnected with me, let go of all drugs, and today he is 30 years old and thriving; he helps run my company and we are like soul mates.
Me: I am so proud of you for staying the course, not feeding into the medical system and stepping out and accepting the assignment. What closing remarks Melanie would you like to leave readers with?
Melanie: I think the biggest thing that we need to understand is what we’ve been told about trauma recovery and how to work with it, isn’t really the truth. If we are going to be researching outward about narcissists and hoping that’s going to get us well and that we will avoid them in the future, that’s such a false premise, it actually keeps us really sick. It’s been proven in neuroscience that our logical cognitive mind can’t even work with our limbic system, which is where our subconscious mind resides as well as in our nervous system. We have got to take our awareness within and have love and compassion for ourselves, we need to do the healing at an inner level, otherwise we are not going to get well. Which means our children and future generations are not going to get well. We have had a huge delusion on this planet that has kept us separated from self partnering and being at one within and one with each other having a healthy conscious and whole life. Part of the delusion is the thought that the outside circumstances are happening to me and not for me. Rather than it’s coming at me to show me what I need to change inside of myself to make me whole and a better person. This keeps everyone stuck in life and causes a lack of self-compassion. It’s time to make a shift. Narcissism is a symptom not the problem it’s about something much deeper. It’s all a wake up call to bring us to a better place that serves our highest good. It’s like we need to be cracked open for the light to come in.
Its only when we get better, from the inside out, that we will choose and live better.
As you have read Melanie has done a lot of internal work and healing, today she has a thriving business offering healing programs that help the abused release from pain so they can step into a life of abundance freedom and joy. Her past no longer defines her and she has become a light in the world.
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The #SHEROproject will include stories of SHEROS from around the world throughout the next 11 months. In an effort to support our thriving SHEROS, there is a panel that will be selecting the most inspirational story for the 2019 SHERO of the year award, which will be announced on 12/1/2019.
The SHERO of the year award winner will receive a 4-day/3-night retreat at Multiversity. An opportunity to explore their potential in an environment like no other; get away for rejuvenating downtime and immersion learning on their state-of-the-art campus in the redwoods of Scotts Valley, CA and experience the perfect blend of learning, vacation, and space for reflection.
1440 Multiversity is a place to experience time differently—exploring what matters, while surrounding yourself with fresh air, delicious food, many ways to unwind, and opportunities to connect with yourself and others. SHERO, during your stay, you can look forward to daily 1440 specialty classes such as yoga, meditation, qi gong and Pilates. Or enjoy hiking in the 75 acres of redwood forest surrounding the campus and finish off your day with a soak in their signature infinity tub.
The creation of 1440 Multiversity stemmed from a desire to establish a beautiful and nurturing physical location where people of all walks of life could come together in community—to explore, learn, reflect, connect, and reenergize.
Each featured SHERO will receive a private invitation to The B.E. A S.H.E.R.O. Foundation annual Gala in Las Vegas 2/8/2020 where they will be interviewed on the red carpet. B.E. A S.H.E.R.O. foundation’s mission is to provide resources needed to support, sustain and empower young girls and women under the age of 25 who have been abused, abandoned, and exploited. We intend to accomplish this mission by bringing other agencies with similar missions together and being a resource center for these organizations.