(1) The other person acknowledges you heard them correctly; OR
(2) If not, they can correct you.
Tasha: (Irritated) “Where’s the milk?! I thought you said you would pick it up on your way home from work.”
Albert: (Defensively) “I’m sorry. Work was super crazy today! It slipped my mind.
Tasha: (Annoyed) “I can’t believe you! You always do this. If it’s work-related you’ll remember, but not when it’s me…”
Albert: (Defensive) “Hey now! I think of you. Why do you think I put in such long hours?!”
Tasha: (Irritated) “Where’s the milk?! I thought you said you would pick it up on your way home from work.”
Albert: (Defensively) “I’m sorry. Work was super crazy today! It slipped my mind.
Tasha: (Annoyed) “I can’t believe you! You always do this. If it’s work-related you’ll remember, but not when it’s me…”
Albert: (Defensive) “Hey! I understand why you’d be upset. If I hear you correctly you believe me not bringing home the milk means I don’t care about you or the family, which just isn’t true.”
Tasha: (Less Annoyed) “Yes that’s correct. I also want to be acknowledged and appreciated, and sometimes that’s as simple as you remembering to bring home the milk.”
Albert: (Neutral): “Totally, I understand. Maybe next time you can just send me a reminder text so I don’t forget?”
REFRAMING
Tasha: (Irritated) “Where’s the milk?! I thought you said you would pick it up on your way home from work.”
Albert: (Defensively) “I’m sorry. Work was super crazy today! It slipped my mind.
Tasha: (Annoyed) “I can’t believe you! You’re always doing this. I swear you’re like a monkey with selective hearing that only ever suits you! If I didn’t love you so much I would just leave you!”
Albert: (Accommodating) “Hey! I understand why you’re upset. You think my forgetting means I don’t listen to your words / respect you, but I want you to know that I simply forgot. Forgive me. I don’t want this ruining our evening.”
Tasha: (Less annoyed) “I forgive you. I just want my words to matter too, you know? It’s not that big of a deal. Next time I’ll remember to send you a follow up text because I know work can be stressful.”
Albert: (neutral): “Thank you, I’d appreciate that. ”
DEFLECTION
Tasha: (Irritated) “Where’s the milk?! I thought you said you would pick it up on your way home from work.”
Albert: (Defensively) “I’m sorry. Work was super crazy today! It slipped my mind.
Tasha: (Annoyed) “I can’t believe you! You always do this. If it’s work-related you’ll remember, but not when it’s me…”
Albert: (Defensive) “Hey! I understand why you’d be upset. But work was really overwhelming today.
Tasha: (Annoyed) “No! You don’t listen to me. It’s always work this, work that!”
Albert: (Defensive): “Look, I hear you! I know you feel like work always takes priority over you but…”
Tasha: (Annoyed) “And here I am constantly thinking about how to make your life easier!
Albert: (Neutral) “I think we should get back to the issue which was me not bringing home the milk. I understand how it could upset you. Know that I didn’t mean to do it intentionally. Maybe we should take a pause and come back to this after we’ve taken ten minutes to just cool off. What do you say?”
Bottom line: the use of these tools can be a tremendous lifesaver when discussing sensitive issues. Disagreements usually result from misunderstandings. And these tools help you stay present so you can listen correctly to help resolve those heated disagreements you find yourself in!