Life signaled me in quite a drastic way I admit
As I began a path
toward self destruction
early on in my life
Anorexia and drug addiction
My first choices in
disappearing from my life
as it was
I choose, based on what I knew and was
simply in front of me
food
to not
feed myself
food and feelings couldn’t occupy
my body or mind
I choose not to feed either
my body or my feelings
but to
disappear from them
and the life
that I couldn’t
digest
Drugs helped this path
Amphetamines
as they quickly and immediately
shifted me from pain
to
nothingness
always wanted to be perfect
like a doll
hollow inside
and beautiful outside
to not feel
the ugly feelings inside
Years later
and alot of damage
as a result of my addictions
did I find
or was choosen
to enter recovery
in 12 steps programs
I learned I had a disease
not that I was a bad person
but a sick one
that I was seeking a truth
and my path was to become one
of seeking a spiritual life
as I had a soul sickness
the food was a symptom
a cry for help
in a physical form
that was an illusion
the answer
was abstinence
in the form of a structured plan to eat
3 x a day
refrain from
trigger foods
that would cause me to eat more than I needed
and also that food was not bad
could be enjoyed
and required
to live
something I wasn’t aware
that I didnt want to do
I also learned to look within
Pray to and have a conscious contact with a God of my understanding
Years later
I also broke down
I had a break down
to break through
as I was living a life
although in 12 step programs
that still was hiding behind
was not completely honest with myself
honesty has become my anchor
my compass
I can’t deceive myself
I disappear when I do
I am committed to being present
available, visible, real
my quest once an obsession for beauty
is rooted in being truthful
my spiritual path
My breakdown
has caused me to seek
beauty as truth
in how I speak to myself
my relationship with the God of my understanding
I write each morning
beginning with gratitude
I pray and meditate
I often stand in front of my window
look up to the sky
and pray with my entire being
I was someone
who was on a lifetime path of self hatred and self destruction
I now
am in love with my God and myself
and have so much to give to the world
I believe that dreams come true
I believe God gives us those dreams
and all we need to make them a reality
yes
my new word is
yes
to all that is life