We have all been there … you’re excited to share a new project. Someone asks about it—As we start to respond, they swiftly pivot to an extended monologue about their work. You’ve been a victim of boomer asking, a conversational tactic in which a question is merely a pretext to redirect attention back to the asker.
Boomerasking is a subtle yet damaging habit that erodes credibility. Leaders who engage in it may believe they are fostering dialogue, but instead, they alienate their teams.
Inspired by the boomerang effect—where an action results in the opposite of its intended outcome—Alison Wood Brooks, a professor at Harvard Business School, explores boomer asking and how this behaviour diminishes meaningful interaction and erodes trust.
“The boomerasker tries to achieve two contradictory goals: showing interest in their conversation partner while keeping the spotlight on themselves. In the end, they fail at both.” Brooks
This phenomenon isn’t just a social faux pas; it’s a leadership liability. When leaders engage in boomer asking, they inadvertently:
- Undermine psychological safety within teams.
- Signal a lack of genuine interest in others’ contributions.
- Miss opportunities to gain critical insights from their people.
Brooks, along with researcher Michael Yeomans (Journal of Experimental Psychology, March 2025), identifies three key forms of boomer asking:
- The Bragging Question – A question designed to boast rather than inquire e.g., “How do you handle global client accounts? I’ve managed multiple across three continents.”
- The Complaining Question – A question that serves as a vehicle for venting frustrations, e.g., “How’s your workload? I’m drowning in projects with impossible deadlines.”
- The Sharing Question – A question posed only as a springboard for personal storytelling, e.g., “How was your vacation? Mine was incredible—let me tell you all about it.”
I don’t know what’s worse. Not asking any questions or asking questions and then making it all about you!
Make questions, your friend, AND listen to the answers!
Asking questions is a uniquely potent tool for unlocking value in teams and organisations. It stimulates learning and the exchange of ideas fuels innovation and performance improvement and builds rapport and trust among team members. When used effectively, thoughtful questioning enhances decision-making and creates a culture of curiosity and collaboration.
In my coaching practice, I have seen the most effective leaders are intentional, active listeners.
That means they do the following;
- Ask with curiosity. Avoid leading questions designed to steer the conversation back to themselves.
- Listen to understand, not to reply. Pause before responding, ensuring they acknowledge and build on what others share.
- Validate and probe deeper. Show genuine interest by following up with thoughtful inquiries and demonstrating care and respect.
For leaders, mastering the art of authentic conversation isn’t just about etiquette—it’s about fostering engagement, trust, and a culture where everyone feels valued.
Great leadership begins with great listening. Are you asking to connect or waiting for your speech?
Ref: Talk The Science Of Conversation and The Art of Being Ourselves