CHAPTER 1 – Fear & Misunderstandings
When we act in fear (any kind of fear) we are cheating ourselves from getting what we want. When it comes to communication, what we do and say in fear not only affects us, but also the people in our lives.
The year was 2017. Manoj and Urvashi were a married couple on the verge of reaching their two-year anniversary when their relationship fell apart!
It started off as a small misunderstanding, which then ballooned into something that they believed was beyond the scope of reconciliation. Their problems led to Manoj, and Urvashi wanting to PROVE to each other, their friends and family, that they were ‘strong’ individuals! It escalated to them finally walking away from each other, both trying to show that they DIDN’T NEED the other person, whilst trying to SHOW ‘strength’, resulting in them parting ways.
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CHAPTER 4 – What Urvashi and Manoj Wanted
Urvashi is an ambitious, attractive, vibrant, positive and confident woman. And that’s the way she carries herself wherever she goes or whoever she meets. So, that’s the way people see her, that’s the way she wants to be seen and that’s the way she wants to be accepted.
What she wanted from Manoj was someone she could share her vulnerabilities with (to be loved and cared for). To not have to appear confident, ambitious, attractive etc.
But she had been carrying this image around for a long time. She couldn’t just break away from it – ‘What would he think of me?’ So Manoj too bought that ‘image’ of who she is – he, in fact, told her once that it was the best thing he liked about her.
A few months into their marriage, Urvashi tried to be ‘herself’ with him. But she didn’t know how to communicate that without exposing her vulnerabilities. So, instead, she projected her fears, doubts, and insecurities onto him. She criticized him harshly if he made a mistake, she compared him to others for his flaws, she blamed him for the things they didn’t have and his lack of ambition, etc.
Even though she wasn’t saying it directly she was calling him ‘a weak man’, except Urvashi didn’t know what her words and actions were communicating.
When people (especially people you know) suddenly start mocking you, bothering you, picking on you etc, what they’re really trying to do is get closer to you. However, in one way or the other – you intimidate them. (Could be your confidence, your sense of self-respect, your success, your physical attributes etc.) The point is, they believe the only way they can (feel safe enough to) get closer to you is by taking ‘IT’ away. To humble you, to make you think about them, and to finally make you turn to them for approval.
Manoj’s Misunderstanding: Urvashi breaking away from her ‘image’ confused him. He saw her as being manipulative. He began to doubt her as she continued to ‘push’ him more and more (for acceptance and love), causing him to think she didn’t want to be with him, she didn’t care about him and she didn’t trust him – because she saw him as ‘a weak man’.
Manoj is probably the coolest guy you’ll ever meet, funny charming and a man’s man! And that’s how he carries himself wherever he goes or whomever he meets. So that’s the way people see him, that’s the way he wants to be seen, and that’s the way he wants to be accepted. What he wanted from Urvashi was someone he could share his vulnerabilities with. To not have to appear to be the coolest guy you’ll ever meet, funny, charming and a man’s man. But he had been carrying this image for a long time. He couldn’t just break away from it – ‘What would she think of him?’
So Urvashi too bought that ‘image’ of who he is – she, in fact, told him once that was the best thing she liked about him. A few months into their marriage, Manoj tried to be ‘himself’ in front of her. But he didn’t know how to communicate that to her without exposing his vulnerabilities.
So, instead, he projected his fears, doubts, and insecurities onto her. He criticized her harshly for being cold, accused her of lying and being manipulative! Even though he wasn’t saying it directly he was calling her ‘a disloyal woman’, except Manoj didn’t know what his words and actions were communicating.
Urvashi’s Misunderstanding: Manoj breaking away from his ‘image’ confused her. She saw him as being disrespectful towards her and verbally abusive. She began to doubt him as he continued to ‘push’ her more and more (for acceptance and love), causing her to think he didn’t want to be with her, he didn’t care about her and he didn’t love her because he saw her as ‘a disloyal’ woman’.
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Know What To Say & How To Say It, and be there for the people who believe in you! Email me at [email protected], and tell me what’s bothering you! If you find this article to be of value, then share it with your friends and family.