When our romantic partner’s behaviors challenge us, we often – more than we care to admit – resort to offering advice, expressing criticism, or plainly asking them to stop. For many, expressing love and patience when tension arises in a relationship feels counterintuitive, or even like giving in and giving up.
Here are a few benign examples to consider: your partner forgets to complete the errand you have repeatedly asked them to do; they seem grumpy for no apparent reason; their daily routines clash with yours. How do you respond in these moments?
Research in the field of relationship wellbeing, along with the experiential evidence we all possess, shows that offering unsolicited advice and instructions to a loved one often prompts them to become defensive and withdraw. More troubling, criticism and blame create distrust and erode emotional safety in all relationships. When I teach students the principles of family and couple therapy, I make sure to highlight this important research finding: for people with persistent mental illness, invalidation and criticism from a loved one is one of the most significant risk factors for relapse, suicidal ideation, and hospitalization. In other words, receiving criticism from the people we love most can be more destabilizing than financial hardship, medication non-compliance, and several other life stressors. This data, however extreme, underscores the deeply damaging impact criticism can have on any relationship.
While it is natural to want a loved one to change in order to meet our needs, it is crucial to remember that meaningful change cannot occur without validation and acceptance. In other words, we cannot ask someone to change unless we first accept them; we cannot expect others to do better unless we validate their struggle; we cannot offer solutions unless we are willing to sit with the problem for a moment.
Validation is the act of recognizing, through words and actions, that someone’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors make sense and are understandable in the context of their history. As a relationship therapist, I am consistently amazed by how willing people are to do better once they feel deeply understood and validated.
Why Is It So Hard to Validate?
- It can be heartbreaking to witness a loved one struggle, so we offer advice.
- Our partner’s difficult emotions make us feel uncomfortable, so we try to resolve them.
- We take our loved ones’ behaviors personally and attach negative meaning to them (e.g., “They’re disrespecting me,” “They don’t love me”), so we react.
- We live in a culture that pressures us to “put your happiness first!” When a relationship challenges or inconveniences us, we can be quick to end things.
- Many of us did not receive validation from our caregivers, so validating may feel unnatural, uncomfortable, and insufficient.
How to Validate
- Slow down. Avoid making immediate demands.
- Listen actively. Simply listening to your partner’s challenges is a crucial first step toward change. Pay attention to what is said and what is not said. Use nonverbal cues like nodding, maintain a relaxed and open posture, and speak in a gentle, non-threatening tone.
- Seek to understand. Try to grasp the underlying causes of your partner’s negative emotions or behaviors. You don’t have to condone an undesirable behavior, but you can offer compassion for the factors that led to it.
- Acknowledge their perspective. Show your partner that the way they feel and view the world is valid, even if you don’t agree with it. Use affirming phrases like:
“That makes a lot of sense to me,” “I would feel the same way if I were in your situation,” and “I get it.”
- Hold back on advice. Resist the urge to immediately offer solutions. Avoid phrases like “Yes, I see your point, but…” and steer clear of one-upping your partner by telling them what you would do in their situation.
In the end, what most of us want -more than advice and solutions – is to feel understood by the people we love. In my clinical work with couples, I often remind partners that validation does not mean we stop wanting change; it just means we are choosing connection first. And in the long run, that connection is what helps everything else fall into place.