The last time I saw my father alive was 4th of July

15 years ago

I remember his face, looking up at me as one of a little boy, as we waited for the EMS to come for him.

We had seen fireworks and had dinner in a fish restaurant overlooking the bay, as the sun set.

As my sun was about to set.

When we returned home, he asked me quietly and gently, as he was a quiet gentle man

If I would call an ambulance, as he touched his heart

A golden one, beginning to fade.

I obeyed, something I rarely did

The EMS ambulance came for him

And I ran the same red lights and stop signs

Following them, carrying my father in it.

They immediately admitted him into the ER then to his own room in ICU directly outside the nurse’s station.

I thought they placed him there knowing he was the special man he was.

He lay there, all hooked up to tubes, keeping his heart and lungs working together for 10 days.

And one morning, the 9th morning, did I go to my father, take his hand in mine and say to him:

“Daddy, you are suffering to hold on, because you think your little girl can’t take care of herself in this 

world,  If you know a place where you can be happy and in peace and not in any more pain, Go there, Daddy, I promise you,  I will take care of myself”

I left that night, to come back to my own apartment in the city – with 10.00 to my name, having just 

been let go of from a job, a relationship had ended and I had a lease waiting to be signed.

I woke up early the next morning to go to my 9:30 yoga class.

At one point during the class, I came out of an asana – seeing stars circling around me.

I thought I may had been light headed from the heat or needing to drink some water.

As I left and was walking to the train to return to the shore to visit my father in the hospital

Did I receive a call from one of my brothers, telling me Dad didn’t make it.

That was July 14th 

He was amongst the stars, circling around me as he was passing through

I was fulfilling my promise to him as he journeyed into his place where he was no longer suffering and was happy.

Every time I see a star in the sky, twinkling in the dark

I look up and say

In my heart

“Hey Pop, how’s heaven?”