Some people think that a wedding is akin to crossing a finish line, when really it’s the beginning of a marathon. Marriage is not a destination, it’s a journey. And the key to navigating this journey is embracing the fact that 15% of what your partner says has no correlation to any reality that you are aware of. Thus, you need to master the fine art of selective listening.
In marriage, you cannot afford to be hard of hearing… but you can afford to be hard of listening. In fact, you must be.
As an analogy, imagine your partner is like an old-fashioned radio: you’ll enjoy the music more when you figure out how to tune out the static.
The real trick lies in discerning which 15% of your spouse’s signal to noise ratio is noise, devoid of any relevance to what is occurring or will occur in the world.
In the beginning of courtship, partners often hang on each other’s every word.
“We’re so in sync that we finish each other’s sentences!” is commonly heard as evidence of how close two people have become in the early stages of a relationship.
But as time progresses, a seasoned spouse learns to develop a filter. This filter helps distinguish between actionable insights and whimsical ephemeral ideas that are being processed aloud, as if you were trapped in your partner’s dressing room and they were asking your opinion on how various pants make them look. A losing proposition. The real challenge is being able to identify the 15% that can — and should — be left in the dressing room with no comment.
“Oh we should fly to the south of France and eat at La Colombe d’Or…” is usually not the type of fanciful utterance that requires a response.
Interestingly, as couples grow older together and become more and more comfortable with each other, this percentage seems to increase. It’s as if each year adds another layer of mental spewing to the marital dialogue. Maybe it’s familiarity that allows for more unadulterated expression? Whatever the reason, recognizing this creeping inflation is crucial for maintaining long-term harmony.
Respecting your partner’s need to process their thoughts aloud unencumbered — even those thoughts that are untethered from planet earth — will foster a deeper emotional connection and preclude you from devolving into drama. Accepting that not every statement warrants a response prevents unnecessary conflicts. Instead of fixating on the obvious discrepancies between words and reality, as a couples whisperer I teach my couples to choose their battles wisely.
“Is this the hill you want to die on?” is a wonderful internal barometer to determine if it’s worth engaging with a patently absurd utterance.
Embracing a 15% reality-free zone demonstrates your love and affection. Again, the trick is being able to discern which 15% of your partner’s thoughts should be left in the dressing room of their mind.
If you realize that a disproportionate amount of your own mental life is dedicated to being right and proving other’s wrong, and you believe that so many other humans are hypocrites but you have somehow managed to escape this terrible affliction, then you must agree that the secret to a successful marriage lies in accepting imperfection and resisting the temptation to exacerbate nonsense for the sake of personal amusement. As Harville Hendrix says, “You only have one choice in this life: you can either be right or you can be in relationship.”
By acknowledging that a portion of what everyone says does not align with reality and that nobody deserves full access to anyone else’s mental sausage factory, you can learn to avoid drama and accept and love your imperfect partner.
A 15% reality-free zone will make your marriage significantly less complicated.