Having struggled with various addictions for much of my life, I needed a better solution for managing through life’s challenges, including challenges at work. Vaguely aware of Twelve Step programs founded by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and used in more than a dozen recovery programs, I thought these groups were too religious for me.
I learned that people of all or no religion are welcome, and I was excited about the focus on character. For years, I had been teaching and writing about character not as a tool for recovery but as a tool for communication and leadership. Principles are character strengths and virtues dating back to ancient Greek philosopher and independent of AA, yet the Twelve Steps offer a structure for practicing them in our lives.
The “Narrow Ridge” Is a Guide
Work can be a toxic place, leading to stress, burnout, addiction, or relapse. Every day, we face complex, ambiguous situations with no clear right-or-wrong answers. Philosopher and theologian Martin Buber described the “narrow ridge” surrounded by an abyss on each side. You may feel as though you’re constantly walking a treacherous path, teetering from side to side, trying to make good choices but struggling to find stable, middle ground. As we walk the narrow ridge, we develop coping strategies—to be sober, or steady, balanced, and sensible, without going to extremes despite the challenges we face.
Let’s say you start a new business. At once, you worry about failure and success, about not getting any sales and about getting so many orders you can’t fill them. At once, you’re conflicted about a recent hire: happy with their ideas but frustrated by their lack of follow through. These are natural, paradoxical concerns.
Buber described the narrow ridge as a place between alternatives and invites us to hold two oppositions simultaneously. Those of us with addiction histories know this paradoxical place. We’re never really “recovered”; we’re in recovery—both sober and still addicted. That’s a quality of our lives: no longer either/or, but both and still more. In difficult work situations, one person isn’t right and the other wrong. We consider both ourselves and others and affirm both. We work through what seem like contradictions, conflicts, and complexities and learn to act more skillfully.
We “Practice These Principles”
In the last step of any Twelve Step program, we’re asked to “practice these principles in all our affairs.” The principles are observable skills we develop through practice.
Those of us in recovery strive to rid ourselves of character “defects,” as they’re called in Twelve Step programs (or defaults, defenses, or patterns). I call them weaknesses because we replace them with character strengths and virtues. Courage replaces cowardice, and compassion replaces apathy.
Like black-and-white thinking in active addition, our culture tends towards dichotomies. We may think of character strengths or weaknesses—we’re humble or arrogant, hopeful or depressed. But it’s more helpful to think of being more or less skillful in how we practice principles throughout our career. We might find it easy to be compassionate with some coworkers but not others, or we might feel generous in the afternoon but not first thing in the morning.
We could use too much or too little of a character dimension or principle. If a character weakness is a deficiency, meaning using too little of a principle, then an excess is using too much of the principle. Both can be harmful to ourselves and to others. For example, too little perseverance could be laziness, but too much perseverance could be perfectionism, which also causes harm.
We Strive for “Emotional Sobriety”
In a 1958 essay, AA cofounder Bill Wilson described the benefits of “emotional sobriety” as more maturity, peace, and joy. Despite years of sobriety, he was plagued with depression and dependency on externalities: “people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like.” Work is an easy target for our dependencies. It sometimes satisfies but inevitably disappoints, giving us a ready excuse to feel offended or rejected and to fall back into addiction.
With emotional sobriety, we’re less reactive and ruled by our emotions. We work with all kinds of people, some enormously frustrating and annoying. Some are flat-out jerks, mean and vindictive. But we don’t set out to change others. We can’t manifest a more productive coworker, more reasonable customer, or more understanding boss. The Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families’ version of the Serenity Prayer makes that clear: “Today, I seek the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.”
Through the stories, exploration, and reflection questions in this book, you’ll gain more than knowledge. You’ll have new tools to use in both your professional and personal life to strengthen your character. Over time, you’ll develop resilience, but you’ll go beyond merely resisting adversity and landing on your feet. You’ll become more agile—able to adapt to unknown situations and tackle any difficult work situation you face with dexterity and confidence throughout your career.