I’ve been part of this whole motherhood circus now for FIVE years… five emotional, long, agonising, exhausting yet all-of-a-sudden, FAST years!

Motherhood is not blissful but it is occasionally pleasant (when you finally get your child to sleep and realise that you’ll probably be up in a couple of hours, so what’s the point in living?!). 

But what are the things that I really didn’t I expect? (Apart from absolutely everything!).

Welcome, everyone, to motherhoods top eight highlights:

1. They don’t tell you that “you’ll forget the pain as soon as you see the baby for the first time” is in fact the BIGGEST con! The experience will in fact, haunt you for the rest of your life.

The head alone feels like the entire body, the placenta is like its evil twin and the internal stitches? Probably worse than the birth itself!

The epidural – having to push your bare-naked arse out towards a young male Doctor, while contracting and trying to breathe is bloody hard and completely destroys all dignity even before the chance you may shit yourself.

Natural birth – there are simply no words to comprehend the intense anger and the genuine fear for your life.

They tell you that shitting during delivery is inevitable, whether it’s true or not, I’d say just believe them and don’t waste your energy trying to push just enough to NOT shit yourself. They also put the fear of life into you when it comes to your first poop after… don’t worry, you don’t feel like your arse is going to collapse, because I’m pretty sure it already has!

2. I didn’t expect my initial reaction post-delivery when the midwife tried to present me with my baby for the first time.

That last almighty push for dear life, simultaneously comes with an intense anger. The last thing I wanted was to have a screaming baby thrown in my face! When that feeling passed, I looked down at him and I saw a wrinkled up little prune, similar to a finger left under water too long. It was ugly, and I didn’t forget the pain.

3. Hair seems to grow ten times faster and ten times thicker – EVERYWHERE! I grow it on my legs, my bum, my fingers, my toes. Hell, I even grow it on my face now too! And want to know a secret? I don’t care! I sometimes let it grow as long as month until I can be bothered to get the hedge cutters out! 

I had never understood the whole man and ape theory, but after seeing for myself what a certain amount of neglect can transform me into, I have a fair idea of what it would have looked like! 

4. I didn’t realise that it would be virtually IMPOSSIBLE to carry on with the “I’m a lady” act. You know what I’m talking about fellow-mummy’s – “women don’t shit, they powder their nose”! When you reach the snotty little toddler years, you realise that toilet time is no longer a time to reflect and privacy has officially left the building (along with your dignity!).

Be prepared for the running commentary at public toilets… “Mummy why do you have hair on your bum? Mummy are you doing a poo? Oh mummy, it’s stinking!”, and trust me it will happen more than once!

5. Did I expect that something as simple as showering would now need to be risk assessed for an emergency exit? And that I could no longer dare to close my eyes and actually enjoy it… nope but I learnt the drill pretty dramatically.

Picture this: Boobs, arse and stretch marks running around the house in search of the little brat (whom I love with all my heart) who has decided to leave the room and you can’t remember if the baby gates are secure. It doesn’t seem rationale but here’s another tip for you: rationality doesn’t exist once children plague your peaceful life. You become a nervous, emotional wreck. And ugly crying becomes the norm! 

6. How could I have possibly ever predicted that after having a baby, I would never look at my mother the same way again… (like, a massive, massive respect for what she went through to have me now I know what that actually means!) but wait a minute…

I actually did pop through my mums vagina, I didn’t just appear here and this is all suddenly, way too disturbing to comprehend! And don’t even mention breastfeeding… I would rather not know!

7. I didn’t think I would ever turn into my mum – I thought I would be a “cool” parent who never shouted because I was young, I understood what kids want, of course my kids would respect me!

I am a ticking time bomb, I have mini-meltdowns over every little thing! I’ve maxed the credit cards on self-help books on how to be the greatest mum and they really don’t make a difference because as soon as I see a hair out of place, I lose it then I feel stupid and over-dramatic and terrible and guilty and ugly and fat and saggy, but that doesn’t stop me from binging on a packet of Twix and doing it all over again tomorrow – phew!

8. I never realised just how much biology would change post-baby, with every year that passes, I lose a few more years on my skin, my metabolism, my brain juice! The day it really hit home was when I heard a bunch of school boys brand me as “old” and “past it” during a chat about girls.

Nothing can prepare you for the moment you realise that you are no longer a kid youserself! I am 28 years old and I still feel 18, but my disco days and cute bikini holidays are well and truly over but not only that, my boobs are too (over my knees!).

So, do you still want to have a baby?!