Mom, Gina, and me

My mom would be the first to tell me to have faith during hard times and to take my distraught and leave it to God. And I have done that several times in my life but when there is no hope in a good outcome, it is gut-wrenchingly difficult.

In a long line of blessings, I get my optimism from my mom, although some would say I am too optimistic at times. Yet these past few months, after losing my mom, it requires all the energy I have to just keep away dark thoughts, let alone let any optimism or happiness in. My world has dulled and shrunken in a hundred different ways: when I realize I can’t call my mom and tell her about my day, or hear about hers, or share another birthday or Christmas or just one of the thousands of silly times we would have, laughing and laughing over absolutely nothing. My heart hurts when one of my kids has a bad day of missing their beloved Nanny or when I see my Dad hurting.

The most difficult thing I’m finding is to enjoy …. anything. When I am trying intensely hard, white-knuckling it, holding in the tears, constantly distracting myself, I can manage to seem like I am fine on the outside, my regular self perhaps. It takes everything in me to do that and I can’t do it often but am finding it easier to do when I’m social situations. Although honestly, I’m still avoiding many things.

Yet, at times, I almost hear my mom consoling me — and if you knew her, you know that she would do everything in her power to help us heal, even from the other side. Lately, I’m finding new people and situations come into my life that never would have and I can truly only sum it up to Mom, sending me good healing moments.

Just three months after losing her, this Christmas was really rough, I knew it would be, we all did. I have had incremental, fleeting moments when I hear her in my head urging me to push through and find happiness again. I can feel her letting me know she is at peace. Sometimes those feelings get me through another hour, afternoon, day. If I knew for sure that she was at peace, happy in heaven with her own Mom, brother, granddaughter, and friends, I would be ok. I could tolerate missing her if I knew she was happy.

But that’s where faith comes in and if there is anything my mom has taught me, it is that God is so good to us. At the lowest of the low times, my mom was thankful to God.

This world is a truly beautiful and heartbreaking place. They say that the pain of losing some is the price of truly having loved them. And even though I feel a searing, guttural pain the likes of that I never even really understood was possible, I am so lucky for having had my mom.

And yes, I’m so very thankful.