I’ve always been a fan of lists. Packing lists. Grocery lists. To-buy lists. To-do lists—whether for a workday, a day off, or personal projects. Everything about lists is so satisfying: The notebooks, the pens (Muji), and checking those tasks or items off—the smooth black gel ink swooshing across the page. (Yes, I also have lists on my phone but physical lists are much more satisfying). Lists remind me to pick up bananas at the grocery store. To pack sunscreen and a nail file for that weekend trip. To call the tax office and sort out that letter I got a week ago.
Until recently, I hadn’t really questioned my to-do lists. I just saw them as a way of remembering things (that I would definitely otherwise forget) and organizing my thoughts and days.
But living in a never-ending cycle of to-dos—constantly rushing from one thing to the next—is kind of unnecessary and exhausting.
Living by to-do lists takes me out of the present. The term “to-do” itself focuses on the future and on doing rather than being. Instead of appreciating whatever’s happening in the moment, I might be mentally rehearsing what I’ll do next or where I’ll go next. Or thinking about how many other things I need to get done after the thing I’m doing right now.
Understanding that I don’t always need to be productive
To-do lists, planning, and being busy are all things I loved from a young age. Having a packed day—even if that was going to a park in the morning, the pool in the afternoon, then an aunt’s place for dinner—made me feel good. And being bored as a kid was the worst. Am I still holding onto that belief?
Now as an ~adult~ I’m thrilled at the idea of having a clear day or evening. But then when I actually have that free time, I might go down an anxiety spiral: What should I do with this time? Am I spending this time well enough? It’s such good weather, I should be outside. But I should clean. And make food. And check all those to-dos off my list. No, I should do something fun instead. Wait, what do I do for fun?
So the idea of free time is great. But then I worry about whether I’m spending my time well enough, or I feel guilty for relaxing.
Re-evaluating the way I use to-do lists is a work in progress. I’m letting go of these ideas that I always need to be productive, that what I do defines my worth, and that relaxing or doing things just for fun is not as important as being productive.
Slowing down and simply being
All the endless doing on autopilot is the opposite of simply being. And just being can be kind of hard. Have I been using to-do lists to protect me from thoughts and feelings I didn’t want to face?
Having too many things on a to-do list—and having too many to-do lists in too many places—only results in overwhelm and procrastination. But my main question around my to-do lists isn’t “Are they helping me be the most productiveI can be?” but instead “Is this endless striving to always be productive actually serving me?”
The points below aren’t tips for building better to-do lists or productivity hacks, but they’re what’s helping me move from the mentality of always doing towards slowing down and being. And to “do what I’m doing while I’m doing it.”
Schedule time for empty space
This way, I don’t feel bad for not having something specific scheduled or for not checking some task off my list. Even if it’s just an open weekday evening, knowing that the empty calendar space is intentional helps me feel less anxious. It’s not that having plans is a bad thing, but having dedicated time for slowing down helps me feel more balanced and calm.
If I don’t make time for slowing down, it just won’t happen. So now I plan to not have plans for a chunk of time—whether a morning, afternoon, evening, or a whole day when possible. It sounds a little counterintuitive to plan free time, but it works for me (and of course unscheduled free time is great, too, but I’m a recovering overplanner).
Ask myself “What do I want to do in this moment?”
During the empty space I’ve carved out, I’m trying to remember to ask myself what I want to do. It sounds super simple, but this isn’t something I’ve always done.
Consciously asking myself this question helps me steer clear from the word “should.” So instead of thinking “What should I be doing now?” (according to who, anyway?) I ask myself “What do I actually want to do now? What do I need in this moment?” This way, I’m also grounding myself in the present, listening to my needs, and not just thinking about what needs to get done in the future.
Like right now as I write this, I want to warm up some food for lunch. So that’s what I’m going to do. Brb.
Think of “to-dos” as “task suggestions” instead
This simple language switch helps remove the guilt when I don’t get everything done in a given week or a day. I don’t beat myself up for not doing the laundry or finishing that project if something else took priority, if something took more time than expected, or if the weather was so good I just wanted to sit on a rock by the sea and contemplate life.
There are many other tips out there for simplifying to-do lists, but this simple reframing helps take away the self-imposed pressure. It still allows me to be intentional with how I plan and spend my time, but not overstuff my day with a bunch of nagging to-dos.
To sum it up, I’m not getting rid of my to-do lists, but I’m rethinking my relationship with them. They still help me follow through with my intentions and remind me what to buy before a vacation. But they don’t have the power to make me feel like I’m not enough.
This article originally appeared on kellylouisewrites.com.