We haven’t spoken in two years. I pick up my phone to call you, and I realize you will not answer. I wonder where your beautiful spirit must be. I cannot imagine a person with a heart like yours, would be sitting around in heaven…no, not you. You still have work to do and dreams to capture. I so miss you. I want you to know that no one ever made me feel as sure about myself and about my life as you did.
I always knew I had someone to come back to. If my life was falling apart, you caught me and softly helped me put the pieces together. If my heart was broken, you gently mended it. If I felt hopeless, you inspired me. On days of great joy, you smiled with me. When my son was put in my arms, he was in your embrace, too. The love you gave to me, you gave to him. Your magic touch imprinted on his life. Mom, you are an angel. How I was so lucky to have you as my mother, I will never know. I can’t imagine your work stopped upon your death. Surely, somewhere, your heart is at work…at this very moment in time.
So on this Mother’s Day weekend, I hope you hear me. I wish you were here today. I miss our long conversations about everything important, and everything unimportant. I miss your wisdom. I miss the way you could turn a disaster into a mere stepping stone in the journey of life. I find myself taking your words and replaying them again and again as I speak to my son.
In your life, you gave up yours for ours. I know you “left your heart in San Francisco” after a move back East to rural North Carolina. As a very young woman, you had dreams of your own. Had it not been for all of us, you might have ended up sharing your beautiful voice in song on stage. Your singing career was halted by the birth of your first child before leaving the Bay Area. Then another, and then I was born. Growing up, I listened every morning as your beautiful voice drifted throughout our house as you would sing your heart out. Sadly, there was no one in the house to applaud your beautiful voice. With three children, life became routine. When you found out that my older sister has developmental disabilities, you became a warrior for her life. I watched your patience and your love with a keen eye and an open heart. Yes, Mom, in the day to day grind, you taught me about life and what matters. The audiences never heard you, but I did. I listened to every word, every note.
So wherever you are, I hope you hear me. I will always love you; my heart is still connected to yours. I feel your energy still with me. On this Mother’s Day, my eyes will fill with tears…bittersweet tears. Tears of gratitude for everything you taught me, and tears of loss because I miss you so very much. In this life of immense heartbreak and indescribable joy…I journey on. Perhaps we will meet again. I will know you by the look in your eyes. Your legacy lives on in me, and I share it with my son. Often in life, the most insignificant gestures and the simplest reach of the hand give the lives of those we love the most significant meaning. You were so generous in that way of giving of yourself to me and others.
So until we embrace again, my sweet and beautiful Mom, your spirit lives on. I search for you again today and in eternity. Happy Mother’s Day to you…
I will always love you through space and time,
Originally published at medium.com