Toxic Relationships

I don’t know about you, but have you noticed the older you get, the less Bull-Sh** you can tolerate from people? I’m not talking day to day people you run in to, but people who are suppose-to be your nearest and dearest.

I should have known this would happen and I’m so freaking happy it did! A number of years ago when my eldest was a baby, I heard noises coming from outside late at night. I peeped out the window and spotted two teenagers robbing a wheelie bin. But rather than minding my own business and going back to sleep like a regular almost thirty year old, I went out in my snoopy pjs and told them off! I still cringe when I think of it, but it was a sign that I wasn’t going to put up with people being A-holes anymore.

So I figure now, I’m a few years away from my forth decade, I have my kids, family and an amazing group of friends, I just can’t be bothered dealing with people or relationships that no longer serve me. Or relationships that have never served me to begin with. That may sound a little selfish, but it’s not, and here’s why. I’m absolutely someone who’ll step in and help anyone who needs it, but what about those toxic people in your life who don’t evolve or grow? Who see life only through their eyes?  The ones who zap every drop of your energy, just by being in their presence or speaking to them on the phone. Yup! You all know someone like this.

Far too often we feel obliged because of ‘connections’ and not wanting to make things awkward during those rare occasions you all have to be in the same room as them. I’m not saying be an asshole, absolutely have the dignity to carry yourself with grace, but outside of those times, when is enough just bloody-well enough?

The key to any relationship, is unconditional love and acceptance- so you may wonder, “how can you offer unconditional love and cut someone out of your life”? Well, because if they are not good FOR you- they don’t accept you or make you feel good. If they make your combined relationship only about them and no matter what you do in life, they bring it back to how they feel and how it affects them. They would rather drag your ass down, than acknowledge you or throw you a high five/ fist pump for growing as a person.  These people just don’t accept your perspective. I’m here to tell you, it’s time to step away.

Toxic people don’t change until they can see they are toxic. Holding space for another persons opinion is important, but there is a fine line between acceptance and just putting yourself in the firing line. These people don’t acknowledge or accept your view of the world, they can’t see past their own small world and you end up blue in the face wasting your sweet time! Never underestimate the importance of your time, it’s a limited resource and should be spent wisely (ish!)

Or how about the person who only comes to you to complain and yet doesn’t do anything to improve or change their situation, those who do the same things over and over again expecting a different result (and we all know how it ends), It’s important to know when to put boundaries up to avoid the toxic co-dependency roundabout. These situations leave your head spinning while the other person is oblivious!

Then there’s the relationship that’s one way, where you give and you give and you receive nothing at all, just an empty vacuum. No reply to messages, never a check-in, simply nothing. If you think it’s something worth addressing, let them know, see what they say and if nothing changes, just step away. Spend your time on something fulfilling or someone who values your friendship/ companionship/ company.

The most valuable relationships are those who fill your soul with so much joy, goodness and sometimes- wine. People who have seen you at your absolute worst and stand by you regardless, they pick you up over and over again and put the lights back on in your eyes when the darkness falls. Real relationships who accept you fully, your flaws and your imperfections and yet always see the best in you. It’s a two-way thing, it’s what makes relationships so special and not something that should be taken for granted.

It’s doesn’t matter if it’s your mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, friend or partner- Toxic relationships come in all shapes and sizes and can seriously damage your self-esteem and any positive vibrations you have will be stripped away by their negative energies.

The most important thing is to know, how they treat you is not a reflection of you but a reflection of them and how under-resourced they are, living in their bubble of reality with no respect or acceptance of yours. So close your eyes and think really hard about the relationships that serve you and make you feel good.

Now I’d like you to think…. think of those who make you feel like crap, even if you are totally besotted about someone but they make you feel bad. But don’t sit with this for too long!

Now, flip the switch, take a moment here….

Breathe deeply while you’re thinking and imagine yourself surrounded by your biggest champions, the ones that radiate love to you. The people that have made you laugh so much your stomach hurts or you almost peed a little! The ones you would trust with your life. Picture them in your favourite spot, absorb that feeling, your surroundings and the sounds of love around you.

What feels better to you?  Remember you can’t change anyone, just yourself. So be be the friend to others that you wish you had. You get to create the standards you hold for yourself. Keep your head up, put your best shoes on and dance away with the people who make you happy and who deserve you.

Repeat after me (affirmations to say to yourself)

‘I love and respect myself’

‘I deserve the love and acceptance of others’

‘I am lovable and deserve respect’

‘I have the most wonderful people in my life and firm boundaries for self-care’

‘When I think positively, the negatives dissipate’

‘Happiness is what I create for myself’’

‘My time is spent with positive people’