girl looking down at handle of sword

The guided meditation started off lovely. I listened to it on my way to work. Clearly not meditating, just listening to the calm voice of the woman facilitating the meditation. She spoke of our Warring Self, the fierce energy of female anger. What she described sounded powerful, grounded, stable, strong, steadfast, and protecting. I imagined Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, living within my soul.

But at two minutes in, the message shifted about this Warrior Goddess. The calm voice was saying this was the part of us that keeps us small. I realized this meditation was actually about looking at anger as an emotion that prevents us from living a better version of ourselves. It was a guided experience to help let go of our anger, our ego, and embrace a holier aspect of our being, where peace and acceptance live – our Infinite Self.

I turned it off.

For decades, my Infinite Self, the one who accepts and forgives, who is compassionate and empathetic, was an aspect of myself I could behave as intellectually. I had compassionate and soothing dialogue with others. I gave space for people to express themselves. I understood my traumas to be a complex story of generations of hurt. I knew they weren’t happening to me anymore. I adopted the belief that nothing could change those traumas, and acceptance was the way to move forward.

For decades, I tried to be her by behaving like her. But choosing her didn’t make me her. Embodying my Infinite Self, feeling her from the inside out, took anger. Holding on to it, not letting it go.

So, I no longer listen to messages that tell me how damaging anger is. I don’t buy in to narratives that describe anger as dark, destructive, or on a lower level than other emotions.

Anger has been the most helpful emotion in healing the trauma I experienced in life. I refuse to label this emotion as unproductive. It liberated me. Anger let me step into my personal power and connect with parts of myself that had been disabled for decades. When I held hands with my anger, it led me directly to my Infinite Self.

The meditation talked about our Warring Self as living in our “shallow waters,” as being our “darkness,” as riding on the backs of our “righteous ego.” The facilitator claims we “must love her into gentle submission” because she “only survives when we’ve forgotten to love.”  I couldn’t disagree more.

I know my Warring Self as the one who shows me injustices and protects me from harm. She exposes me to myself, showing me where my vulnerabilities exist, giving me the opportunity to assuage fears and heal wounds.

When I stopped “loving” that demonized anger into submission, she showed me a way to feel healed of my traumas.

My Warrior Goddess gave me the language to tell the story of my wounds more justly. She allowed me to distinguish what is acceptable to me and what is not. She gave me the vision of who I was by allowing me to use her to establish healthy boundaries.

When she rose up on the back of my righteous ego, I learned to watch her and let her guide my path. She led me to the place of self love, self compassion, self empathy. She molded me into the form of my Infinite Self.

With my Warring Self as my trusted guardian, my Infinite Self was actualized. I no longer just behaved like her, I was her.

Compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness flowed willingly, naturally. Personifying my Infinite Self is effortless because she rides on the back of my Warring Self. Loving comes easily when I hold on to the warrior in me who keeps me grounded, stable, and steadfast in my identity.

No, I will never let her go.