I stood at the top of the platform, glancing cautiously behind me at the eager faces of the other student leaders who served as Resident Assistants in my hall.
“You can do it, Leslie!” They cheered with wild encouragement. “It’s not that far of a drop.”
Just about 12 feet, I silently noted, turning back around and shutting my eyes as I took in a deep breath.
3…2…1…
Suddenly, I was weightless.
BOOM! Within seconds, over a dozen powerful arms caught me, holding me steady before helping me stand up again.
See, it was just a simple Trust Fall…
Maybe you’ve been through a similar team building exercise or at least watched the end of Mean Girls. It takes trust to let go. To fall into the arms of those below, hoping they’ll still be there to catch you.
Think back to the first time you understood what it meant to trust someone.
Maybe these memories are formative in your childhood based on a relationship with a parent or close family member you could rely on. You may have had a mentor who helped support and guide you toward a future career or a supervisor you admired and respected.
Others may recall experiences where trust and security were absent, resulting in fear, doubt, and anxiety. These unfortunate relationships threaten to dismantle the fragile foundation of trust we so eagerly expect to last.
On the surface, trust appears simple: You either trust someone or you don’t.
But what really makes trust work in our relationships? And more fundamentally, how do we learn to truly trust ourselves?
Trust is something we learn in utero. While a baby is growing safely inside the mother, they are cared for and protected. Once born, trust is now built daily through ordinary moments – being held, fed, changed, and cared for consistently so a child learns that their needs will be met. Developmental Psychologists call this process creating “secure attachment” which has profound positive benefits throughout one’s life, such as lower stress, better emotional regulation, as well as higher confidence and self-esteem.
As adults, we instinctively desire relationships where we can rely on each other and find safety and security. When dating couples were asked “what is the most important quality in a romantic relationship?” Social Psychologists found that trustworthiness was number one.
More than physical attraction, more than money, more than everything else, trust is at the top.
We seek trust, but do we model it as well? To be able to fully trust another person, we first must become trustworthy. And through our actions and behaviors, we teach people what to expect of us and how they should treat us. In essence, trust is taught. Let’s examine three core qualities of trust and how we can teach them to our partners, friends, colleagues, and children.
Just like when teaching young children how to read, it’s helpful to start with the basics: The ABCs. While trust can be operationalized in so many different ways, here are three core qualities that are foundational to trust-building and modeling trustworthiness.
Accountability: What can others expect you to do?
Our grandparents’ generation was famous for the age-old axiom “your word is your bond.” Simply put, what you say you’ll do, you do. Bottom line. But in a culture driven by FOMO and so many alluring options, we often forget how essential following through on our promises can be.
How consistent are you with your commitments? This starts with the basic behavior of doing what you say you’re going to do. From a parenting perspective, this looks like turning the television off five minutes after you give that “five-minute warning” or following through with an incentive you promised if your child has positive behavior. Others learn how consistent we are based on what we do, not just what we say. You must first hold yourself accountable so you build trust in your family and relationships.
Boundaries: Where do you draw your lines?
Trust is broken when boundaries are crossed. But what happens if these boundaries are left unspoken or even unrealized? To cultivate trustworthiness in relationships, we need to create clear expectations for what we will and won’t do so others know how to support us with integrity. When boundaries are respected and upheld, trust is strengthened and affirmed.
This can be especially challenging if two people are operating from different values or priorities. One person wants structure, while the other craves flexibility and you face an impasse. Openness, empathy, and emotional attunement are fundamental to sharing why a certain boundary is important to us and listening with understanding to each other. Consider what your boundaries are and how you share them with the people in your life to cultivate more trust.
Character: Who can others expect you to be?
When we’re acting in congruence with our values, living within our boundaries, and showing up consistently with accountability, people begin to really KNOW us. This is the essence of developing our character: who we are at our core based on what we believe and model. Knowing someone’s character allows us to better love and support them because our emotional compass understands their “true north” – what is typical for them and what is not.
For example, if your best friend who is normally a very balanced and kind person has a bad day and starts ranting about what happened at work, that doesn’t make her a “gossip” (or worse!). Rather, it shows you that her behavior is out of character and she trusts YOU to provide support on the hard days. In a society that is quick to judge and label, truly knowing someone’s character allows us recognize an out-of-sync behavior and check in with the person in a way that models trust.
Trust is built. Trust is taught. Trust is learned.
Start by examining your ABCs and realign with these fundamentals to strengthen trust in your relationships. Make commitments to yourself to trust what you know you need and share it with others you trust. Relationships are built and broken based on trust. Be a builder.
Originally published at leadwithintention.com on June 1, 2025
Leslie M. Bosserman, M.Ed., CPCC, is an Executive Coach + Lifestyle Strategist for innovators and creative professionals leading dynamic and diverse teams. After working for a decade in higher education and student development, Leslie launched Lead With Intention® – a boutique coaching and consulting practice that specializes in leadership coaching, customized training, and organizational strategy for clients and their teams around the world. She collaborates with a range of creative professionals from entrepreneurs launching their startups to executive leaders at Fortune 500 Companies. With a background in strengths-based leadership development and applied positive psychology, she enjoys helping individuals and team realize and become their best. Leslie teaches on Business and Leadership at the University of California, Davis Continuing and Professional Education. She is a sought-after keynote speaker and leadership trainer, and a TEDx speaker with over 1.3 million views. Committed to enhancing her local community, Leslie and her husband, Joel, co-created and launched The Makers Place™ – the regions first coworking space with onsite childcare. She also currently works as the Director and Site Supervisor of Mini Makers™ Preschool. Leslie lives in Northern California and travels internationally for coaching, organizational trainings, and retreat facilitation. You can connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and YouTube or send her an email at [email protected] to learn how to partner together.