With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, most topics are about love and relationships. I have decided to offer some assistance in making this Valentine’s Day more enjoyable by helping put an end to a conflict which has caused may breakups. Since my husband and I recently celebrated 31 years together (31 since dating, 25 1/2 married), I would like to do my part to aid in saving relationships, perhaps entire families from this disagreement which can turn happy people into dueling demons. For many years- scores of generations in fact- people have been struggling with this crappy dispute. Bear with me as I rear my thoughts on a discussion which has flushed many relationships down the proverbial toilet.

Yes, you guessed it, the all too controversial TOILET SEAT argument: should the seat stay up or down? I am certain that males, females, and even the gender nonspecific, are grateful for the invention of the toilet. However, this war has persisted in every country and in every language for far too long! Today, here and now, at long last, I will finally put an end to this imbroglio which has caused such friction in relationships around the globe.

You may be asking yourself, who am I to bring this war to its finality? My credentials speak for themselves: I am still living happily with the same man for over a quarter of a century; we have two children (one male, one female); and after having dealt with Crohn’s disease and Short Bowel Syndrome for over 27 years, I am in the throne-room more often than most people have been, or will be in their entire lives.

Since the toilet was invented in 1596 by Sir John Harrington, the Godson of Her Royal Majesty the Queen of Britain, and for her pleasure and relief, the seat MUST be kept down- end of discussion! The Throne was created for the Queen and thus should be respected as the Queen’s. However, if your dwelling place is comprised of only men, feel free to do as you please. But, do not invite women over unless your throne-room is presentable for her proper use. As for the issue of replacing the toilet paper roll, we can discuss that at another time in the future.