A little over a year ago, I had the absolute joy of interviewing Dr. Robert Waldinger. At the very end of our conversation, I asked him, “Is there anything you just can’t share enough?” Without hesitation, he said:
“Nobody’s happy all the time.”
He went on to say that the expectation of constant happiness sets us up for failure—it makes us feel like something is wrong with us when we’re not happy. So true!
And it got me thinking—what else are we getting wrong about how we’re supposed to live?
Here’s the truth: we are not supposed to be [insert expectation here] all the time. And believing otherwise? It’s a fast track to burnout, disappointment, and feeling like we’re failing at life. Let’s dig deeper into this.
We’re not supposed to be happy all the time.
It seems like the more we chase happiness, the more it slips through our fingers. Research shows that all emotions serve a purpose—sadness helps us process loss, anxiety preps us for threats, and even anger can drive change.
Instead of chasing happiness 24/7, we can recognize that emotions are signals and signposts, not problems to fix. They guide us, keeping us safe. And when difficult emotions persist, they may be pointing us toward professional help—and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to shove feelings aside but to acknowledge them, work with them, and navigate them in a way that serves us.
We’re not supposed to be productive (or busy) all the time.
Our brains are not machines. We run on ultradian rhythms—natural cycles that affect our focus, cognitive processing, creative thinking, and energy levels, typically lasting about 90 minutes. When we push past these cycles, our focus, decision-making, and ability to process information tank—and constantly overriding these natural limits paves the way to burnout.
Ever heard of the 52/17 rule? Finnish researchers found that people who work 52 minutes and then rest for 17 minutes are the most productive. Not the ones who grind endlessly.
This means we can stop glorifying busyness and start honoring effectiveness.
We’re not supposed to be motivated all the time.
Expecting to feel motivated all the time is a trap. Motivation naturally ebbs and flows, and when it dips, beating ourselves up only makes it worse. Studies show that working with these cycles instead of against them leads to better long-term productivity and well-being.
A key strategy? Self-compassion. Dr. Laurie Santos, who teaches Yale’s most popular course on happiness, has seen firsthand how high-achievers often try to push themselves with harsh self-talk. But research shows that talking to ourselves like we would to a friend—not like a drill instructor—actually boosts motivation and reduces procrastination.
We’re not supposed to be social all the time.
If you’ve ever needed to recharge after being around people for too long—congrats, you’re human.
Neuroscience proves that solitude is essential for creativity, problem-solving, and self-reflection. Even extroverts benefit from alone time—it activates the brain’s default mode network, which helps with processing emotions and forming new ideas.
So, if you need time alone? Take it. It’s not selfish.
We’re not supposed to be available all the time.
Being “always on” is frying our brains. Studies show that every interruption takes an average of 23 minutes to recover from. Every notification, every email, every “quick question” pulls us away from deep work and leaves behind attentional residue—leftover mental clutter that makes it harder to focus.
And guess what? Constant availability has been linked to higher stress, worse sleep, and lower life satisfaction. Protect your time like your well-being depends on it—because it does.
We’re not supposed to be certain all the time.
Confidence is great. Blind certainty? Not so much.
Cognitive science proves that a little doubt is actually a good thing. Studies on the Dunning-Kruger effect show that the more certain someone is, the less they usually know. Meanwhile, people with intellectual humility (a fancy way of saying “I might be wrong”) tend to be more open-minded, adaptable, and—ironically—smarter.
Uncertainty isn’t a flaw. It’s a feature of learning and growth.
We’re not supposed to be rational all the time.
If you think emotions are the enemy of rational thinking, think again.
Neurologist Dr. Antonio Damasio studied patients with brain damage that impaired their ability to feel emotions. You’d think they’d make perfectly rational decisions, right? Nope. They actually struggled to make any decisions at all. Turns out, emotions play a key role in evaluating options and making choices.
Suppressing emotions doesn’t make us more rational—it makes us less effective at life.
Giving Ourselves Permission to Be Fully Human
We’ve been led to believe a myth: That we should always be happy, always be productive, always be available, always be certain, always be motivated, always be social, always be rational.
But the reality? We’re not meant to be “always” anything.
The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is to embrace our humanity—messy emotions, energy cycles, and everything that comes with the full human experience. When we do that, that’s when we thrive.
Instead of chasing an impossible standard, let’s lean into who we actually are—flaws, feelings, and all.
In Bold Gratitude,
Lainie
Photo Credit: willis henderson